Glaceon the Critic
by DisneyWriter
Summary: Welcome to Glceon the Critic where bad fanfiction burns. Spin off of Keldeo the Critic. Based on Nostalgia Critic and Linkara. I don't own anything.
1. My Immortal

"Hello I'm Criticmon," said a Glaceon. A Sylveon comes up and whispers something in his ear.

"What do you mean 'copyright?' Digimon? We made peace with those guys eons ago," said Glaceon, "What do you mean I have to use the -eon as oppose to -mon? Where are those lawyers? I would like to vomit on them. And by vomit, I mean launch toxic on them."

"Get on with the review," yelled someone off stage.

"Shut up Flareon," said Glaceon. He began to get even more depressed. His bad mood wasn't because of copyright, but it was because he had read _My Immortal_.

"You've probably heard of _My Immortal_ , the worst fanfic ever. It's no surprise why. The first two chapter proves how bad it is. It's an abomination to Harry Potter as a person and as a franchise," Glaceon said, "Now let's start."

* * *

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

* * *

Glaceon facepawed. That's the only thing that can suit this abomination.

"How to put this kindly. Why don't you use spellcheck. Or at least bold the thing so people won't think it's part of the story," Glaceon yelled, "Ugh, anyways, let's continue."

* * *

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

* * *

"I'm not ready to declare her a Mary Sue yet, but come on! Did that author's note really get anything done? And that stupid description..." sighed Glaceon, "Moving on."

* * *

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

* * *

"I'm no grammar nazi, but I think you're missing a few commas, Hogwarts is in Scotland, redundancy, and you describe your clothes in waaaaay to much detail," Glaceon said biting his tongue, "I am so tempted to swear, but I took this job to pay off my swear jar debt."

"And she flipped them off because... physics," Sylveon said.

* * *

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

* * *

"And that's the end of the first chapter," Glaceon cheered, "I'm not kidding. My trainer's winning streak is longer than this. At least the grammar is kinda decent. I'll get back to that later."

* * *

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

* * *

"Oh please, I've dealt with fire-types that are hotter than the flames people give you," Glaceon said, ""And what the _heck_ is a prep anyways?"

* * *

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

* * *

"Who at Hogwarts gave you a coffin? Where did you get the blood? And more importantly... WHERE'S THE ACTUAL STORY?" Glaceon yelled with eyes twitching. Not one eye, both eyes.

"Anyone going to go on about the fact that she puts more effort in describing her clothes rather than actual characterisation," Sylveon sighed.

* * *

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

* * *

Glaceon is trying to put on a decent poker face, but he can't help how bad this is. Sylveon, on the other hand, will spew all of the hate for him.

"You know what, Tara. This is the universe of _Harry Potter_. Spells, creatures that only exist in myths and legends, and all of it is hidden from the Muggles. In these two chapters, all you've done is describe clothes. No respect for the source material is seen in these two chapters," groaned Slyveon, "Granted that these two chapters are only 615 words, but you... you... gah!"

* * *

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

* * *

" **Stop** ," Glaceon ordered, "If you're going to swear every five words, that doesn't tell me you're trying to convey a story or that your a mature person. It tells me that you have a limited vocabulary."

* * *

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

* * *

"Out of character moment for Draco, " Glaceon said, "And why are Muggles is a magical town? This is an abomination, but it is arguably the best of the chapters due to the fact that spelling is mostly correct. It gets worse, but that's for another time" He stood there pondering what he should do it the fanfic in front of him.

"Oh, what the heck," Glaceon said spewing some purple liquid on the papers. The papers dissolved, and then there was a green light. The light took shape of Ebony.

"At last I'm free. Those preps at TvTropes put me in that prison. Now I'll seek my revenge," she ranted, "But - " Now she was a pillar of ice thanks to Glaceon's ice beam. What did you expect? He's an ice-type.

"Thank you for tuning in and be sure to review. You can suggest bad fanfics in the areas of _Pokemon_ , _Digimon_ , and Disney properties in the PM or reviews," said Slyveon, "Now a word from our sponsor - I mean trainer."


	2. Fangirl

In a studio somewhere in the Unova Region, there was a small critic taking his coffee break. Don't worry. It's ice coffee. His next review was a story called "Fangirl" by Rio the Ice Queen.

"Hello and welcome to Glaceon the Critic where bad fanfics burn. Yes, that's suppose to be ironic, and Linkara may sue me if I wasn't a Pokemon. Let's begin," Glaceon said cheerfully.

* * *

 _ **Haha, don't be offended Amourshippers? :D**_

 _ **Beware of: boy's love, fangirls (not the good kind, sadly), fuming Serena, age-up characters, KalosQueen!Supportive!Serena, Champion!Satoshi.**_

* * *

"The author is warning us of a timeskip," Glaceon said, "That's not wrong, but I prefer the narration to do that. It's just a preference. But there's the first mistake, warning us of possible ship bashing. At least you have been warned."

* * *

 _"Well than Satoshi, we still have time, what do you want to do?"_

 _The champion smiled at his boyfriend, loving the way the wind tousled his hair._

 _"Well, we have yet to buy a gift for Serena... her birthday is coming up isn't it?"_

* * *

"I see the author prefers Diodeshipping," Glaceon said, "It's just shipping. Continue."

* * *

 _Just when the blonde was about to nod, they were interrupted by a pre-teen girl, clearly a fan of Serena (they knew because she had a print on her shirt of the time Serena won her first showcase)._

* * *

"Sorry. It's just the English teacher in me. That's in passive voice," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Yatta! I knew it! You must be in love with Serena-sama, you were talking about buying her a gift!" the girl ... well, fangirled... jumping up and down as Citron stared at her, Satoshi scratching the back of his head sheepishly._

"Ehm... no? I said that _we_ , as in my boyfriend here and I, would." he corrected her, watching as she stopped jumping and adopted a hateful expression towards the inventor.

* * *

"I wouldn't blame the fangirl for doing so. When my trainer found out Taiora was sunk, he had a similar reaction," Glaceon said, "But come on my trainer is a child. That's immature for a rabid shipper."

* * *

 _"W-what? Hell no! You are Serena-sama's boyfriend!" she declared, not noticing Citron's glasses fogging over in his rage, Satoshi's eyes narrowing at her immature behaviour (on the streets of Lumiose City, where everyone was now standing and gazing at them and probably wondering about what was going on) nor did she see her very idol walking up behind her. At least not until the back of her head was met with one of the shopping bags the Kalos Queen was holding, causing her to yelp and turn around, fangirl some more and claim how she would 'free Serena-sama's boyfriend from that dirty, old blonde' (note the fuming blonde beside Satoshi now) but she stopped talking when she noticed her idol's glare._

 _"My what now? For crying out loud! You call yourself my fan? If you really were, you'd know that I stopped crushing on Satoshi seven years ago. You know, that's what a crush or puppy love was! I'm the one who supported him and his relationship with Citron for the past seven years, why would I want them to break up!?"_

* * *

"This is what I don't like," said Glaceon facepawing, "The characters age physically, but the author made Serena take a level of jerkass. I mean - is it really that hard to say 'No, I'm not interested in him anymore, and I'm supportive of my Friends's decision.' or 'Let me explain...' but she basically spits in the fangirl's face. Heck, demanding an apology would have been a good thing to do. If that's maturity, then I'm staying childish forever. Next!"

* * *

 _"B-but ... my ship..." the fangirl cried._

 _"You should learn to stop shipping people just because you think that feelings are set in stone." Serena's glare intensified. "I swear, if I hear that cliche shipping name you gave Satoshi-kun and I, I will set Mahoxy on you!"_

* * *

"First off GRAMMAR," said Glaceon, "Second, maturity my tail. And does Kalos have a law against sicking Pokemon on other people? And aren't you being a little, and I use the term loosely, hypocritical? Diodeshipping, Pokeshipping, Advanceshipping etc. have nothing set in stone. Amourshipping is only canon from one side. Not exactly rock solid."

* * *

 _"B-but!"_

 _"Or would you prefer Showers?"_

 _The girl screamed and ran away than, clearly not wanting to get wet._

 _"Sorry about that." the light brunette looked at Satoshi and Citron. "They still seem to be going strong, even after all these years... now, I sure hope that you guys got that present!"_

 _"Eh..." the duo began, sweatdropping as their hands interwined out of being nervous._

 _"Better be ready for tonight's party!" with a wink, Serena left, whistling as the bags danced around her and people made way, awwing at her beauty and grace._

 _"Well... that could have ended better.." Citron spoke and had to chuckle._

 _Serena threating girls with Showers was something that would never grow old._

* * *

"Putting aside all the spelling errors, I don't like this because Serena threatened to sick a Pokemon on a fangirls, and this isn't the first time apparently. And yes, it could have gone better," Glaceon said.

 **The Evidence:**

\- Yes, the fangirl was asking for it, but 'mature' Serena decides to sick a Pokemon on her. That's not mature. Apparently, this isn't the first time.

\- You contradicted the moral of 'not all feelings are set in stone' in a fanfic about diodeshipping.

\- Who the heck is Showers?

 **The Verdict:**

\- It's not horrible. It just rubs me the wrong way. Word to the wise, don't break your own moral.

 **Was the critic way too harsh or lenient? You decided in reviews. Don't forget to suggest fanfics.**


	3. The Meeting of the Goggle Boys

Glaceon had to have someone pull him to the studio laughing.

"This thing is hilarious," laughed Glaceon, "Okay, I'm fine. I'm good." He slowly gained composure and began the review.

"For those of you that don't know," Sylveon began, "Digimon was Pokemon's greatest competitor. They had anime and games, but they couldn't keep up with Pokemon. Back in the day, we had flame wars so big that could power most of the planet. I'm not kidding. It was as bloody as the shipping wars which I'm not suppose to bring up."

"Thanks for the info," Glaceon said sarcastically.

"'The Meeting of the Goggle Boys' takes place in some Roger Rabbit-like universe where all anime characters are actually actors," saig Glaceon, "All those aged up characters? Just photoshop."

* * *

 _The Meeting Of The Goggle Boys_

 _In the Ishigame Hotel by Tokyo International Airport, a meeting room had been reserved for a group of eight very important individuals (well, important in their own eyes perhaps). The reason? To discuss a recent announcement from Toei Animation Incorporated - One that they couldn't believe._

* * *

"The English teacher in me says that's a fragment right there," said Glaceon.

* * *

The room was rented in the name of "Goggle Boy" and the meeting was unknown to the higher ups at Toei. Only to the mysterious eight.

* * *

Porygon: Grammar counter has been turned on. (2)

"Thanks Porygon," sighed Glaceon, "We'll be seeing a lot of it."

* * *

 _It was a small conference room, with a table and eight chairs. A spread of snacks and drinks was laid out along the back wall, a large heated pump full of tea in the center of the table with ceramic cups._

 _Six people sat at the table, waiting patiently. Exactly half of the people in the room had a pair of goggles on their head._

 _At the head of the table sat Taichi Yagami, with Yamato Ishida at his side. To his right, Daisuke Motomiya and Ken Ichijouji. To Taichi's left, Takato Matsuda and Jianliang (Jenrya) Li._

* * *

"I forgot to warn you that they use the Japanese names in this," Glaceon said,

Tachi is Tai

Yamato is Matt

Daisuke is Davis

Ken stays Ken

Takato stays Takato

Jianlian/Jen/Jenrya is Henry

Porygon: *Ding* 3 grammatical errors

* * *

 _Takato sipped his tea, looking at his watch. "...Let's just start without them. I mean, what are the odds THEY would be the ones? I mean, I thought the franchise was dead before they even ended."_

 _"...Five more minutes," Taichi said. "Then we'll start without them."_

* * *

"Takato is OOC, but that's fine since the anime is them acting," said Glaceon, "And yes they talked about _Digimon Frontier_ "

"Ugh," said Sylveon, "Most people were right to skip over that Royal Knights arc and saw Lucemon's appearance."

* * *

 _"I can't believe we're all here," Daisuke said, looking to Jenrya and Takato. "Amazing how we never had a cross over with you guys. The fans were begging for it, you know..."_

 _"Tamers could stand on its own." Takato said. "We didn't need Adventure to help us out."_

 _"Then why'd Apocalymon show up in your first movie?" Taichi said with a grin._

 _"You guys don't OWN Apocalymon, and it wasn't the same one," Takato said._

 _"Oh, he's right, and it's not like OMEGAMON ever showed up in our show, too," Daisuke said._

 _"Again, different Omegamon!" Takato said._

* * *

"I'm guessing this is where most fans find some beef with the other Digimon seasons. Sans _Adventures_ and _02_ , every season is in an alternate universe starting with _Tamers_. Just to be clear, _02_ and its creative team didn't get along very well, and _Tamers_ had to be made to make up for it," said Glaceon.

Porygon: Grammar -

* * *

 _"Save it for the Frontier guys," Yamato said._

 _"Deal," Takato and Daisuke said, earning a sigh from both Ken and Jenrya._

 _Just as Taichi started counting down the last minute, the doors to the conference room burst open. Takuya Kanbara and Kouji Minamoto slid into the room, panting._

 _"What took you?" Yamato asked._

 _"...You...Won't...Believe who we ran into..." Takuya panted._

 _"Who?" Takato asked._

 _"...Masaru..." Kouji said, his eyes wide._

 _An "OH CRAP" expression appeared on every face in the room except Ken's..._

* * *

"Masaru is Marcus," Glaceon said, "And in America, he's voiced by Quinton Flynn."

Axel/Lea: Got it memorized?

"And if you're wondering, he does say that in the dub of _Digimon Savers_ ," Porygon said.

"Hey, you're suppose to be counting grammatical errors," Glaceon said growling.

"Well, I'm tired of that," Porygon said lazily.

"It's called 'Glaceon the Critic'," Glaceon argued.

* * *

"Um, think it's too late to invite those guys...?" Takato looked to Taichi, laughing nervously.

"W-We

* * *

lost him..." Takuya said. "But...Crap, I thought he caught us back there..."

Kouji went back to the door and locked it. He went to the snack spread and grabbed a cold soda for himself and Takuya. They sat down, next to Takato and Jenrya...The two slid their seats a bit further away.

"...We did NOT kill the franchise!" Takuya and Kouji said in unison, frowning at the two Tamers.

* * *

"Oh yes you did," Porygon said.

"Duh," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"You guys had such a great plot! I mean...You guys just Matrix Ev-Oh, I'm sorry, SPIRIT evolve and BECOME Digimon?" Takato asked. "Jen, that's such an original concept! Don't you agree?"_

 _Jen nodded. "BECOME the Digimon...Yeah, very original..."_

 _Takuya and Kouji groaned, the Adventurers stifled their laughter._

 _"Who was your partner Digimon again?" Daisuke asked. "I always forget its name."_

 _"We get it! We get it!" Takuya shouted. "But, hey, what are we here for? Oh, YEAH! Toei said one of us is getting another season after that X Battle or whatever season! They just haven't said who yet..."_

* * *

Executive at Gamefreak: Look here, Digimon Frontier had horrible ratings.

Other Executive: Let's steal their idea and make it into a manga

Executive: Genius

"I imagine something like that happen when making _Pokemon Reburst_ ," Glaceon shrugged.

"And it was slightly better than _Frontier_ ," Porygon said, "And that's the scary part."

* * *

 _"...And why are you guys even here?" Kouji motioned to the Adventurers. "...I mean, you got a sequel. You think you're gonna get a third?"_

* * *

"Oh, wait three years after _Xros Wars/Fusion_ ," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Wanna try to make up for that acid trip ending or something?" Takuya added._

 _Taichi rolled his eyes. "Look, here's the story about that...We filmed the final episodes and had the post-season party when SOMEONE," he looked to Daisuke with a frown, Daisuke glanced away nervously. "Spilled soda on the master tape for the final episode! We lost the battle with BelialVamdemon and everything after it, so... ...We had to improvise."_

* * *

"That explains why that ending was that bad," Porygon sighed with relief.

"Why would you keep the master tape sitting around," Glaceon questioned.

* * *

 _"And the best you could come up with was killing BELIALVAMDEMON with the wishes of children?" Jenrya asked. "Really?"_

 _"...We sorta...ran outta time and cash for effects and... ...It really looked a lot better on paper at the time..." Daisuke muttered. "Anyway, the epilogue...Sorta worked..."_

* * *

"I'm not going to rant about that ending," Glaceon growled.

* * *

 _"What was Mars like?" Takato asked, a grin spreading across his face as he looked to Yamato._

 _Yamato looked to Daisuke, saying, "Where the hell DID that idea come from? You guys just called me at home at two-thirty in the morning, told me show up at the studio and gave me a space suit! Nice job with the whole twenty-five years older photoshop, though."_

 _"...Um...It was Iori," Daisuke said. "But, it's not his fault!"_

 _"...Iori?" Yamato asked. "He...No way in HELL! Iori's not stupid! Especially not that stupid!"_

* * *

Iori is Cody

"Yes, the epilogue made the guy with a band become an astronaut," Glaceon chuckled psychotically.

"You have issues," Porygon pointed out.

* * *

" _Someone spiked the punch at the party," Ken said, glancing away. "And when we needed a quick epilogue... ...He was very passionate about his ideas, we respected him for it! The ideas, too! ...We just...shoulda realized it was...Ota Michihiko's private reserve talking, not Iori Hida..."_

 _"Ota Michihiko spiked the punch?" Jen shouted. "He did that at our post season party, too! Thankfully, we figured it out after Hirokazu and Kenta started singing a drunken enka rendition of The Biggest Dreamer..."_

* * *

"Hahahah," Glaceon cried, "That one was funny."

* * *

 _"None of us were...really at our best that night..." Taichi sighed._

 _"No kidding," Takato said with a laugh._

 _Daisuke frowned at Takato, saying, "Hey, Takato, you ever meet Guilmon again? Boy, I bet that was a cheerful reunion!" Daisuke shouted._

 _Takato hang his head. "...You're a jerk, Daisuke..." He sniffed, wiping away a tear._

 _"Crybaby..." Taichi chuckled. Takato frowned at him after quickly wiping his eyes._

 _"No, Chiaki J.'s a jerk, I'm just asking a question," Daisuke grinned._

 _"What's he mean?" Takuya asked. "Didn't you, like, find another gate to the Digital World at the end? They were back for the last movie!"_

* * *

"They were suppose to have a happy ending," Glaceon cried, "Stupid CD drama."

* * *

 _"...Uh...That movie was a different writer and staff without consulting Chiaki-san. Chiaki-san threw a FIT and said that movie isn't in continuity and the gate... ...Wasn't strong enough to send anything through..." Takato sighed. "Officially, we never see our partners again." Jen passed him a tissue, he wiped his eyes._

 _"Hey, guys! V-Mon just sent me a text message! 'I'm your partner FOREVER' he even did that little heart emoticon thing!" Daisuke held up his cell phone. "He's so awesome, always there for me! Partners forever!"_

 _Takato and Jenrya sighed sadly._

 _"...I know it's just a show, but that's just...so depressing to even think about..." Jenrya sighed. His cell phone went off. "Sorry, gotta take this..." He answered it. "Hello? ...No, Terriermon, we just started the meeting. Sort of. ...I promise, you'll be the first to know! ...No, it's just Taichi, Yamato, Daisuke and Ken. Wallace isn't here. ...I'll ask, I promise! ...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...No, Xiaochun can't watch South Park! Turn it off! ...Good night." He sighed._

* * *

"Stupid Stupid Stupid," Glaceon ranted.

* * *

 _"...What was that about Wallace?" Taichi asked._

 _"Terriermon and Lopmon want to know if they can get their old roles back if Adventure gets the new season and Wallace shows up," Jenrya said._

 _"Well, tell him it's possible. We know it won't be Tamers. You just said you NEVER see your partners again, after all," Takuya said._

 _"And it won't be Frontier, because...You're FRONTIER!" Daisuke shouted. "I mean, crap, it was a new season a year until you guys showed up, then...How many years before Savers?"_

* * *

"Okay, this is kinda funny," Glaceon admitted.

* * *

 _"Yeah, great job! Best season of Digimon ever!" Taichi said, clapping. "So good, no-one could stand to look directly at it! Everyone had to turn off their television sets!"_

* * *

"And this line took the cake," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Oh, stop it! Tamers was when the ratings started to slip!" Takuya shouted._

 _"Hey, don't drag us into this!" Jenrya said. "I mean, you guys even had the weakest overall Wada Kouji and AiM songs..."_

 _"...And a really half-assed Christmas CD," Daisuke added. "I mean, Christmas Night...I...I REFUSE to believe Wada Kouji sang that song!"_

 _Taichi nodded. "You guys were really amazing! I mean, it takes skill to make Wada Kouji and AiM suck by assosciation!"_

* * *

"The author was not making this up," Porygon commented, "This is one hundred percent true."

"I should note that _Adventures_ fans wanted to see more _Adventures_ causing the ratings for _Tamers_ to slip," Glaceon added.

* * *

 _Takuya stood up, slamming his fists on the table. "That's it! You and me, outside, Yagami!" Takuya shouted, taking off his gloves. "Kouji! You take Daisuke!"_

 _"...I'm staying out of this..." Kouji shook his head._

 _"...Dude, we gotta defend our season..." Takuya turned to Kouji. "At least throw some crap back at them! You're the witty one here!"_

* * *

3...2...1

* * *

 _Kouji gave a quick nod and looked to Taichi and Yamato. "...So, how's it feel to be the catalyst for the entire Digimon yaoi and shounen-ai fandom, Taito-chan?"_

* * *

Disney Channel Laugh Track: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

* * *

 _Taichi and Yamato's jaws dropped. Daisuke burst into laughter until Ken elbowed him in the stomach._

 _"...Kouji, that would be an excellent discussion, except we're all here with our yaoi fan-girl proclaimed one true love," Takato said, looking to Jenrya._

 _"Yaoi fan-boy, too," Jenrya said, eyes looked to him. "Kenta told me the exist..."_

 _"No, they don't," Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Male slash fans do NOT exist."_

* * *

Laugh Track: HAHAHAH

* * *

 _"Kenta exists..." Jen trailed off, rolling his eyes. "And 02 didn't help things, I mean...The new kids' Digimentals were, what, same two as the popular pairings in 01? Taichi and Yamato, Jyou and Koushiro, Sora and Mimi... No! That couldn't be implying anything...And don't get me started on that whole 'Jogress Evolution - Two Hearts Beating As One' thing." He mimicked Daisuke's voice, saying, "'Ken, I feel so different when I'm with you, and now our partners are evolving together! It's a sign, we're meant to be together! Marry me, Ken-chan!'"_

* * *

Laugh Track: HHHHHAAAAAAA...HAAAAAA...HAAAAA

* * *

 _Daisuke growled. "Hey, you guys had a theme song called 'SLASH!' Toei just gave up trying to be subtle with you two! Look at that! The song's playing! Takato and Jen are SLASHING together! CARD SLASH! JENKATO LOVE PLUG-IN YAOI!" He made the motion of a card slash._

* * *

Laugh Track: HA...HHHH...Ha

* * *

"And didn't your season have the the first same-sex kiss in Digimon history?" Taichi asked, looking to the Tamers.

"Hirokazu said that doesn't count! Ruki kicked him onto Kenta and the sound effects guys had some fun," Takato said.

"Don't tell Kenta that..." Jenrya trailed off.

"Huh?" Takato asked, looking to Jenrya.

"N-Nothing," Jenrya shook his head, glancing away.

* * *

"Glaceon, I think the laugh track's broken," Porygon said.

"Then fix it," he snapped, "This is golden."

* * *

 _"Whatever!" Daisuke shrugged. "Actually, the slash doesn't bother me as much as the Hent-"_

 _"THAT DOESN'T EXIST!" Takato screamed, incredibly loud. His eyes went wide, color drained from his face. Tears started welling in his eyes._

 _Daisuke uncovered his ears, eying Takato. "...What planet are YOU from where there's no such thing as Digimon Hen-"_

 _"IT DOESN'T EXIST! THERE IS NO SUCH THING! IT IS A LIE!" Takato screamed, even louder than before. He fell to his knees and sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks._

 _"...Crybaby..." Takuya muttered. "Seriously, how'd he become a main character-Ow!" Jenrya gave Takuya a smack to the back of the head as he got up. "Jerk ass..."_

 _Jenrya walked over to Taichi and Daisuke, whispering, "A few years ago, Takato stumbled upon the, um, wrong kind of Renamon and Beelzebumon fansite, if you know what I mean... ...He's been like this whenever someone mentions the H-word since...Hasn't been able to be alone in the same room as Impmon, Renamon or Ruki, either."_

 _Taichi and Daisuke shuddered. "...He's right, it doesn't exist." Taichi said. "That might make you guys getting another season a problem, though."_

* * *

"It's too good to not leave the whole thing in here," Glaceon chuckled.

* * *

 _"We'll figure something out..." Jenrya trailed off._

 _"For the record, I blame Tamers for that stuff!" Daisuke added._

 _Jenrya stopped as he walked back to Takato. He turned to Daisuke. "...Excuse me?" He turned away for a second to toss Takato a tissue, then turned back to Daisuke. "Care to elaborate on that?"_

 _"MATRIX EVOLUTION!" Daisuke made the motion of opening a coat and flashing Jenrya. "How'd that make it into the American version, too, by the way? I mean...Wow, they were afraid of showing your asses for three seconds in season one," he looked to Taichi and Yamato. "But when HE shouts 'Matrix Evolution!'" He motioned to Jernya. "Bow-chika-Jen-Jen!"_

* * *

"Bow-chika-Jen-Jen that's what my," Porygon sang.

"Wrong song," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Jenrya rolled his eyes. "Real mature, Motomiya. It's anime! Nude transformation scenes are not uncommon! And we were NOTHING compared to Frontier! First episode onward for them! We at least waited until episode thirty-something... And don't get me started on that...Hand holding scene in the final episodes..." He looked to Takuya and Kouji._

 _"Leave us out of this!" Takuya shouted._

 _"Junpei actually used a stunt-butt," Kouji spoke up. "You can tell if you look closely."_

 _"...Thank you, Kouji, I had no desire or need to ever know that," Daisuke shuddered. He looked to the Tamers, saying, "Adventure was the prime of Digimon, there's no way you guys are going to get the next season. Not with the crap you guys got away with!"_

* * *

"I don't want to know either," Glaceon shuttered.

"At least you're not made of data," Porygon said.

* * *

 _"Oh yeah, Daisuke, you sure they won't incorporate any of that into Adventure 03?" Jenrya asked. "Adventure 02 and Tamers combining elements... I could just see it! Daisuke! Ken! Combine with your partners for a MATRIX JOGRESS EVOLUTION!"_

 _It took Daisuke a minute figure out what a Matrix Jogress Evolution would entail...His eyes went wide, he looked to Ken, turned bright red and said, "Um...I...I would gladly give YOU GUYS the next season if they even SUGGESTED that one..."_

 _"Traitor!" Taichi shouted. Yamato whispered into his ear. His eyes went wide. "...Good call, Daisuke, good call." He looked to Yamato. "That sort of thing would be, like, freakin' Yaoi Fangirl NIRVANA..."_

 _"Takato, take a note!" Jenrya grinned, Takato pulled out his sketch pad._

* * *

But wait there's more

* * *

 _"Suggest Matrix Jogress Evolutions for Adventure 03..." Takato said to himself as he wrote in his sketch pad. "...Yaoi nirvana..."_

 _"H-Hey! No giving the writers ideas!" Daisuke shouted._

 _"...How do we know Savers won't get the next season?" Ken spoke up._

 _"We don't, but..." Takato cleared his throat, nervously. "Masaru scares us."_

 _"Ken, haven't you seen Savers?" Taichi asked._

 _Ken shook his head. "I...sort of missed it, it ran against another anime I liked. I bought the DVDs, but haven't watched them yet..."_

* * *

"What could that anime be?" Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Masaru fights alongside Agumon...Like, physically. Not just cheering him on like we did." Taichi said. "It's like those guys going Mega," he pointed to the Tamers, "or those guys...whatever they do!" He pointed to Spirit Evolvers (Takuya and Kouji), who frowned. "But while still...Being human!"_

 _"So...He...fights Digimon?" Ken's jaw dropped._

 _"He'd kick Piemon's ass if he were in Adventure, let's put it that way," Taichi said. "...And what show ran against Savers to where you actually missed an ENTIRE SEASON of your own meal ticket franchise?"_

* * *

"Wait for it..."

* * *

 _"...Um..." Ken glanced away. "...N-Nothing important..."_

 _"Ken, what was it?" Takato asked._

 _"I'm curious now, too," Takuya said._

 _Daisuke laughed, "Guys, it's not important! Right Ken?" He pat Ken on the back, a DS fell out of his coat pocket, the game launching out of the system and to Taichi's feet._

 _Taichi picked it up. "...Oh, not cool, Ken..."_

* * *

*Drum roll*

* * *

" _What is it?" Takato asked._

 _"...Pokemon Diamond..." Taichi held up the game. "Was that the anime, Ken?"_

 _"...Possibly..." Ken trailed off._

 _"Sorry, dude..." Daisuke whispered. "Nice knowin' ya."_

 _"...I'll join you soon, Osamu..." Ken swallowed, he looked to Daisuke, whispering, "You distract Taichi while I run. Osamu's got a room here I can hide in."_

* * *

"For those who don't get the joke, Ken's brother Osamu/Sam died." Glaceon informed.

* * *

 _Daisuke nodded. "How's he been doin' these days?"_

 _"Good, actually. Thinks he might get a part with Ryou in his next game."_

 _Taichi cleared his throat, Ken shut up and stood straight, sweating ever so slightly._

 _"So, it's...Pokemon," Jenrya said. "What's the problem?"_

 _"Exactly," Taichi said, bluntly. "It's Pokemon."_

 _"Taichi, you...You can't be serious. Digimon and Pokemon are not bitter rivals." Jenrya said._

 _"Yeah, what's the deal?" Takuya asked. "We never had a problem between our fans and Pokemon fans..."_

* * *

"Oh boy," Porygon said.

* * *

 _"THERE WAS A PROBLEM IN MY DAY!" Taichi shouted._

 _Yamato cleared his throat. "Adventure fans and Pokemon fans kinda had a thing going on back then, especially with the English version of the two shows. Taichi got a little active in the online flame wars... Like, um, sitting at his laptop at three in the morning with Brave Heart face-paint active."_

* * *

"And this is probably true for a lot of people," Porygon said.

* * *

 _"...Dude, the face paint was one time!" Taichi said, frowning at Yamato._

 _"I get the laptop at three in the morning, but Why Brave Heart?" Takato asked._

 _"Uh, ever hear of an awesome singer named Miyazaki Ayumi, Takato? Oh, wait, no you just got Ota Michihiko and some Wild Child Bound guy! Silly me! Hell, even those two got a song out of him," he pointed to Takuya and Kouji. "Guess Tamers didn't interest him, oh well, can't really blame him..." Taichi then looked to Yamato. "And I was defending our honor!"_

 _"...Taichi, you called Pokemon a 'Digimon Adventure rip-off' because Charmander is 'obviously an Agumon.' And that pokeballs were a 'poor man's digivice.'" Daisuke said._

* * *

"And this is actually true is some circles," Porygon added.

* * *

 _Takato raised his finger and started to speak._

 _"DON'T!" Yamato shouted, looking to Takato. "Just agree with him or we'll be here all night!"_

 _"...He's totally right..." Takato said upon seeing the crazed look in Taichi's eyes._

* * *

"And this is also rooted in reality," Porygon added again.

* * *

 _"Um, changng the subject...Look, I sense a lot of hostility in here. How about we all say one nice thing about each others' respective seasons? Okay? No more fighting? Then we can start the real meeting, no more of this 'my season ruled, yours sucked' stuff, okay?"_

 _"...Maybe," the Adventurers and Spirit Evolves looked to the Tamers skeptically._

 _"Of course the goggle boy who cries at the drop of a hat wants peace..." Daisuke trailed off, making the motion of wiping away tears._

 _"I'm going to ignore that, Daisuke... And I'll start," Takato said. He looked to Taichi and Yamato. "If it wasn't for you guys starting it all, none of us would be here." He looked to Takuya and Kouji. "I thought the Kouji and Kouichi plotline was a high point in Frontier. And Kouji, you were my favorite character."_

* * *

"Some nice sugary moments," Glaceon said in a sing song, "NEXT."

* * *

" _Who speaks for Adventure?" Taichi asked, "Me or Daisuke?"_

 _"Um, you go ahead, Taichi. You're the oldest." Daisuke said._

 _"And you just know you're going to make fun of Tamers no matter right, right?" Ken looked to Daisuke._

 _"...Both of 'em, actually," Daisuke gave a nod, the Tamers and Spirit Evolvers rolled their eyes._

 _Taichi cleared his throat. "...I liked how Tamers was more mature than Adventure, plot-wise. You guys had kind of an Evangelion thing going on near the end, too, which was pretty cool." He looked to Takuya and Kouji. "...Spirit Evolutions were like Digimentals crossed with Matrix Evolutions, I thought that was kinda cool. Also, Fire was a pretty good opening. I liked it more than Butter-Fly."_

* * *

"Mature?!" Glaceon sqweeled, "There was a girl trying to choke herself to death."

* * *

 _Takuya cleared his throat, looking to the Adventurers. "...Vamdemon was an awesome villain in the first season and I'm sure the ending we were supposed to see was just as awesome." He looked to the Tamers. "...I guess we do owe you guys for the idea behind spirit evolutions. Thank you for the whole 'becoming the digimon' concept."_

 _"...That's better," Takato smiled. "Everyone happy now?"_

 _A slow clapping came from outside the door. "...You guys forgot someone..." The voice was recognized by all, except for Ken._

* * *

"I'll give you three guesses who," Glaceon shrugged.

* * *

 _The Goggle Boys sprang into action!_

 _"...Jen, save me..." Takato hid behind Jenrya, Takuya hid behind Kouji, Taichi behind Yamato and Daisuke behind Ken. All goggle boys cowered behind their respective best friend._

 _"...Thank the Gods that the yaoi fangirls can't see this..." Jen said, looking to Yamato as Takato held his shoulders and used him as a shield. Yamato gave an annoyed nod as Taichi did the same to him._

 _"Crest of Courage, my ass," Yamato muttered, looking to Taichi._

 _"Be a good Crest of Friendship and PROTECT. YOUR. FRIEND!" Taichi snapped._

* * *

"TELLLLLL MEEEEE THISSSS ISSSS NOTTTTTF FUNNNNNNYYYYYY," Glaceon hissed.

* * *

 _The door was struck with a single, powerful kick. The deadbolt broke, the doors swung open..._

 _...Masaru Daimon stepped into the conference room, followed by Touma. "...Told you they were here."_

 _"That's because this was the last conference room left for you to break into," Touma sighed. "Good effort, though, I'm sure it's only a few tens of thousands in damages."_

 _Taichi laughed nervously, he stuck out a hand from behind Yamato to attempt to shake Masaru's hand. Masaru simply stared at Taichi's hand, annoyed. He retracted it and spoke, "Masaru! Hey! Didn't you...get our e-vite? I totally sent you one!"_

 _Masaru shook his head._

 _Takato spoke next, quickly wiping away a couple tears. "Um...We were...We were waiting for you, though! We didn't talk about anything important yet..."_

 _Takuya spoke up, "Yeah, we just argued about which season was the best! I told them, it was SAVERS! Who'd be stupid enough to think otherwise? Savers beats Frontier, Tamers and Adventure COMBINED!"_

* * *

"Keep in mind this guy punches building-sized threats in the face," Porygon informed.

* * *

 _"...Masaru, you do know what they're doing, right?" Touma asked._

 _"Oh yeah..." Masaru sat down at the table, he motioned for Touma to join him. "I hear Toei's giving someone a second chance! A new season! Why don't we negotiate the terms of Savers' new sea-" Suddenly the cell phone of every goggle boy, and Masaru, went off. Beeping like they had received a text message._

 _They all reached for their cell phones._

* * *

"Foreshadow-"

"You're in the wrong lot, and that's the wrong literary device."

* * *

" _Oh, HELL no!" Daisuke shouted._

 _"Th-That...I-I don't...I don't believe it!" Taichi shouted._

 _Takato wiped his eyes, sobbing. "...J-Jen..." He looked to Jenrya. Jenrya reached into his vest for a tissue, passing it to Takato._

 _Takuya growled, nearly throwing his phone away. He simply put it back in his pocket then kicked the wall._

 _Masaru did what Takuya didn't, throwing his phone against the wall. "XROS WARS 2.0, MY ASS!"_

 _Masaru's phone, like all the others had the same message:_

 _Hey, guys! It's Taiki!  
We just got great news from  
the higher ups at Toei! Our  
ratings are through the roof!  
We're getting another season!  
Like Adventure did! Cool, huh?_

 _Party at my place! Head over ASAP!  
I heard you guys were all in town!  
-Kudou Taiki_

 _Masaru got up, cracking his knuckles. "You heard him, party at his place..."_

 _Touma looked to Masaru in shock. "Masaru, you wouldn't..."_

 _Ken spoke,"He got it fair and square, I mean-"_

 _"LET'S GO KICK TAIKI'S ASS!" Daisuke shouted._

 _The goggle boys lined up, Masaru looked them over. He pushed Takato aside. "Not you!"_

 _"Wh-Why?" Takato asked._

 _"No crybabies! Come on, men! LET'S GET HIM!" Masaru marched off with Taichi, Daisuke and Takuya to Taiki's place._

* * *

"This can't end well."

* * *

 _Takato wiped away a tear with his sleeve... "No crybabies...I'll show him..." He picked up Masaru's cell phone from the floor, it still worked. He started to dial a number._

 _"Who are you calling?" Yamato asked._

 _"Show of hands, who actually supports the idea of going over and beating up Taiki?" Takato asked._

 _Neither Yamato, Ken, Jenrya, Kouji or Touma raised their hands._

 _Takato smiled. "I'm calling another crybaby..." He put the phone to his ear._

 _"Moshi moshi-kame."_

 _"Hey, it's Takato. Masaru's heading over there with Taichi, Daisuke and Takuya. They're really mad about not getting the next season of Digimon...Like, 'break Taiki's legs' mad."_

 _"R-Really! I-I'll let Taiki and Shoutmon know! I-I think they know who to ask for help... Thanks, Takato-kame!"_

 _"Anytime." Takato hang up._

 _"...And what would that accomplish?" Kouji asked._

 _Takato grinned._

* * *

 _"...And in entertainment news - Toei has announced plans to give Digimon Xros Wars a second season, the first time a Digimon series has done so since Digimon Adventure 02. Unfortunately, the previous stars of past seasons were not happy and appeared at Taiki Kudou's home in downtown Tokyo today. The incident would have turned ugly, had Taiki's co-star, ChibiKamemon, not received an anonymous tip about the disgruntled 'Goggle Boys,' as they call themselves. Co-Stars Tactimon, Lillithmon, Blastmon and Baalmon were waiting on the scene in what Digimon Xros Wars co-star, Tactimon, called 'The PERFECT position for an ambush. Not even Daimon Masaru could escape my strategy!' More at the top of the hour, here's Hideyoshi with the weather..."_

 _"...They're going to figure out it was you, you know," Jenrya said, looking to Takato from the table as he ate breakfast. Takato was watching TV in his bed at their room at the Ishigame Hotel._

 _"Ken and Osamu said they'll give me an alibi and Touma says he 'saw nothing,'" Takato grinned. "Besides, phone records 'prove' it was Masaru who tipped off ChibiKamemon..."_

 _"I'll still look into an extended vacation in China for us..." Jenrya trailed off. "To be safe."_

 _"...Good thinking," Takato said as the TV showed a preview of the upcoming report 'Daimon Masaru challenges Matsuda Takato' appeared on screen...Masaru did not look happy, especially with those bandages and casts. "...Got any idea for an assumed name I can use?"_

 _"Of course, Song Dian," Jenrya nodded._

 _"...Xiexie, Jianliang..." Takato swallowed upon seeing a close up of Masaru._

* * *

"And that's it. Yes, there were OOC moments. Yes, the grammar is messed up. But it was a fun and funny story," Glaceon declared, "But the OOC can be excused because they're actors."


	4. Fennekin's Chance

"Welcome to Glaceon the Critic where bad fanfiction burns," Glaceon exasperated, "Oh boy, where do I begin?"

 **Fennekin's Chance**

"The author, for reasons unknown, deleted the fic some time ago," Glaceon sighed, "I wonder why?"

* * *

 _ **Warning:**_ _Don't read if you_ actually _like Serena the way she is in the anime. Also, anti-Amourshipping, obviously. And implied character death._

* * *

"What scares me is the 'obviously' part most of all," Glaceon said.

* * *

" _I wonder where Serena went…" Bonnie looked around, confused by the other girl's absence._

" _Who knows?" Ash, who was playing with his Goomy, spoke. "I'm just glad she isn't here to pant after me or something."_

* * *

"OOC," Glaceon groaned.

* * *

" _What do you mean?" Clemont looked up from another invention of his._

" _What do I mean? Didn't you notice how her eyes sparkle when she looks at me?"_

* * *

 _"_ What is Ash on," Glaceon said, "And for you information Rio the Ice Queen, if she eye-sparkled every time she looked at Ash, she'd go blind due to the strain."

"Can I burn it now," Flareon said off stage.

"We're getting paid by the word, so no," Glaceon answered.

* * *

… _Ash looked uncomfortable. "She also kept telling everyone that we met in the city that we were on a dating.."_

* * *

"Ketchup boy has clearly overdosed his medication and exposed himself to way too much car exhaust because this did not happen in the slightest," Glaceon continued.

* * *

"… _while all I was doing was trying to buy her a gift for her debut. This is why I don't fall for my female friends, it just gets… awkward."_

* * *

"SCREW THIS STUPID FANFIC," Glaceon shouted losing composure (like the guy had it in the first place), "You didn't buy her the gift. You got it by chance and willfully gave it to her. Did you even watch this episode?"

* * *

" _Don't you like that Misty person?" Bonnie wondered, petting Dedenne. "I heard you talking about her in your sleep."_

* * *

"Other things Ash mutters in his sleep: Excuses for wearing the same underwear everyday, Pokémon, when is he going to arrive at the next town, his lines when Team Rocket arrives, Pokémon, and more Pokémon," Glaceon listed.

* * *

" _That was a crush." Ash said. "I didn't think she'd like me back… but now when a girl actually like me… it just feels off somehow…"_

* * *

"OOC."

* * *

" _I'm only ten and all and putting romance over my dream sounds… weird."_

* * *

*Ding*

"That's the new OOC counter," Porygon said, "I thought it may come in handy."

"Oh, yes," Glaceon exasperated.

* * *

 _Serena run crying, falling on her knees sniffling. "He… h-he…" she gasped when she heard rustling behind her and looked around to see a Pangoro._

 _Wh-what?" The behemoth raised it's paw and struck down._

* * *

"Grammar," Porygon snapped.

"That's far from the only problem," Glaceon sighed.

* * *

" _Let's go Fennekin!" Bonnie told the fox pokemon, holding Pancham's pokeball in her back. "Serena will catch up to us for sure!"_

" _Yeah." Ash spoke, his Pikachu on one shoulder and his Goomy on the other. "Like she always does…" he muttered, as the three children began to walk toward the next town. Fennekin looked back into the dark forest for the last time before catching up to her new trainer, Ash._

 _ **THE END**_

* * *

"It's over and THANK GOODNESS," Glaceon declared, "I don't need to be an English teacher to know the intent of this story, to kill Serena. Ash was way out of character, details from the anime we're screwed over, and it is clearly just to bash a ship. Flareon, get the Sacred Fire of Ho-oh to deal with this filthy abomination."

Flareon walked down a dark and rather well decorated hall. He first passed Xernas and Yveltal, snickering and mumbling Organization XIII jokes. Then he passed Zekrom and Reshiram. Then Dialga and Palkia. Then Groudon and Kyogre. Then Ho-oh and Lugia. The fire was between them, and Flareon moved one of the sticks he had brought and took some fire.

A rather short piece of paper that contained the story was positioned in the middle of eighteen different stones. The other Eeveelutions basically began to sing "Hellfire" as Flareon moved the torch onto the piece of paper … and then there was much rejoicing.

 **I'm still open to suggestions for bad Fanfiction to burn.**


	5. Rant - Does Ship-bashing Suck

"Hey Glaceon," called Porygon, "Does ship-bashing suck?"

"Yes. Yes it does," he answered, "End of discussion." As with every editorial, it needs to be longer. Understandably, Glaceon was dragged back into the studio kicking and blasting toxic everywhere.

"Okay fine! I despise ship-bashing with a burning passion," Glaceon said, "That being said, I have a few reasons to hate it. First off, it's pointless. So Harry and Hermione didn't get married. So what? They are your opinions, and you are entitled to them. You can try to convince people to think like you, but you bashing and ranting doesn't do you any good."

Glaceon facepawed and said, "Then there are fics that try to 'correct' the wrongs committed. Some of these fics make OOC moments expand to OOC chapters, some in involve killing off characters just to get another ship to sail, and some are just plain immature "

"Take 'Fennekin's Chance' for example," Glaceon sighed, "The characters in the story are just characters in name only. The whole point of that story was to kill someone off. That's neither maturity nor intelligent. It's stupid. Characters are not a mouthpiece for you to spew your hatred. Characters are people that shape the story. Whether they are trying to defy fate and destiny or tell a love story that went horribly wrong and ended up killing themselves, they are the things that shape the story."

"Why did I bring up 'Fennekin's Chance' in the first place," Glaceon vented, "Due to negative reception, the author has removed such a story."

"Now I'm going to move on the the _Kingdom Hearts_ fandom's favorite character, Xion," Glaceon said sarcastically, "I was reading an 'In Xion's Defense' type of article one time, and I saw a list of why the fandom hates her and a counter to each one."

"Whew, one of reasons the fandom hates her is 'She cockblocks Axel and Roxas.' Here's an exact quote from the author."

* * *

 _I'm going to be blunt about this one._

 _Grow. The fuck. Up._

 _Getting in the way of a pairing you love is the shallowest, stupidest reason to hate a character. That goes for any character for any pairing for any fandom. To anyone who hates a character for this reason, do yourself a favor and get your head out of your ass. Sorry, there's no way for me to say any of this without sounding like a condescending bitch. Except that I'm not sorry. I have no reason to apologize to you._

* * *

"I know we're all sentient beings, and we have preferences, but try to be neutral when it comes to reading shipping fics," Glaceon said, "Even I've done things that I would like to take back."

"Glaceon the Critic signing off."

 **Boy, I've wanted to write this for a long time. The reason why I decided to write this is because "Fangirl" was taken down by the author 15 July 2015. Why I decided to write this is because ship-bashers sound like this to me.  
**

 **Misty Season. May Season. Dawn Season. Iris Season. Serena Season.**

 **Now I hope you enjoyed this. Any fanfics in the _Pokemon, Digimon,_ Disney properties, or _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ franchises I can review?  
**


	6. The Two Legends

"Welcome to Glaceon the Critic where bad fanfiction burns," the titular host began, "Oh boy, I hate OC/ canon character pairings. Why? It's because the OC is either a Mary Sue with no personality or a Mary Sue with too much personality. But there are exceptions. This is not one of them."

* * *

 _Music: HEY HEY HEY PEEPS! I'm working with Ash again but this time it's with Cira! (I play Cira in this story)_

 _Ash: Really? You will?_

 _Music: Tsk, nope! I'm a writer! No way I'm getting involved._

 _Ash: Sheesh you could've just said no…_

 _Cira: Hey guys!]_

 _Ash: OOOHH She's cute!_

 _First Music: Shuddup Ash SHE CAN HEAR YOU._

 _Ash: Oh, oops._

 _Cira: *giggle*_

 _Music: *cough*idiot*cough_

 _Ash: HEY!_

 _Music: La dee da da da..._

 _Cira: *sigh* Disclaimer: Music does not own Pokemon or any of its characters. Please read on and don't forget to leave reviews!_

 _Music: ALRIGHT, CHAPPY...BEGIN!_

* * *

"Shouldn't you wait to do these types of skits to the end? There's probably more author's note than actual story."

* * *

 ** _Normal POV:_**

 _"Pikachu!" Ash cried. Ash Ketchum had just taken a seaplane from the Kanto region to the Unova region, and Zekrom had appeared in a stormcloud. Pikachu absorbed too much electricity, and was struggling to keep it from shooting out everywhere. Meanwhile, at the nearby Pokémon Center, a girl named Cira Legend was healing her Pokémon._

* * *

"There are three camps people with a last name in the anime are sorted into: Plot relavant characters, characters of the day, or spotlight stealing Mary Sue."

* * *

 _"Here you go, all healed and ready to go." Nurse Joy said. "Audino!" Audino echoed, cheerfully rolling out a cart with six pokeballs and a happy Pikachu._

 _"Thanks, Nurse Joy." Cira smiled, and her Pikachu hopped onto her shoulder with its arms full of her pokeballs. Cira outstretched her arm so the Pikachu could fasten her pokeballs to the black belt on her mini short jeans. She stood up, her dark chocolate hair waving back and forth as she stood up. The mini bang that draped cleanly over her left eye bounced as her Pikachu leaped onto her shoulder again. "Pikachu!" It replied._

* * *

"Pikachu. Check." Glaceon head-desked, "Not in a ball. Check."

"Why isn't the nurse noticing a freaking dragon in a pokéball?" Jolteon questioned.

* * *

 _A faint roar made Cira perk up, her eyes nd ears pointed to the thundercloud right over Professor Juniper's laboratory. She gasped and looked at one of her pokeballs. It contained Reshiram, the legendary dragon and fire type._

* * *

"And how did she get the dragon anyways?"

"Isn't it obvious? She's a Mary Soup." Jolteon said.

"Mary Sue you big palooka."

* * *

 _It was said that Reshiram and Zekrom were once one, but when two prince brothers began arguing, they split into two. The elder brother sought power and evil, and Zekrom sided with him. But the younger brother sought truth and friendship, and Reshiram sided alongside him._

* * *

"Way to not only butcher Pokémon lore, but an entire real life philosophy. Both black and white represent two extremes that cancel out, and each one can't exist without the other. Saying that light is always good, and dark is evil leaves no middle ground. And don't get me started on what happens to Kyurem if this is the case."

"And isn't it the younger brother that used Zekrom?" Jolteon added.

* * *

 _Since both were the one and same, the battle went on for a long time with no winner. After exhausting themselves to the final extent, Zekrom and Reshiram transformed into stones. Zekrom, the Dark Stone, and Reshiram the Light Stone. They were to reveal themselves to the heroes and become allies, lending their power to the hero._

* * *

"This is probably the most correct thing you've said so far."

* * *

 _Cira had received the Light Stone from Drayden in Driftveil City when her friend Iris called her over._

* * *

"I'll believe this when the _Pokémon Chocolate and Vanilla_ is a thing."

* * *

 _Reshiram revealed itself to Cira when after losing in the quarterfinals of the Kanto League, she chose to train with a good and pure heart, her intentions well and truthful. The roar echoed in Cira's mind, and she snapped into action._

* * *

"So far there are more lines of narration that actual dialogue. That, and everything about this girl is informed."

* * *

 _"Come on Pikachu, let's hurry!" Pikachu nodded._

 _"Pika Pi!" Cira had seen Zekrom before when she was about to go into the seaplane for Unova from her home in the Kanto region, and the effects caused Pikachu's electricity to go wild._

* * *

"Of course you did."

* * *

 _Though, through the process Pikachu learned the rare move Electric Overload, which cancels all electricity around it with its special Thundershock. Cira bolted out of the center, heading directly for the lab when she heard a faint cry, obviously from a Pikachu. She grimaced, knowing that if that Pikachu didn't have enough battling experience, it wouldn't be able to learn the move Electric Overload. Cira quickened her pace as the lab came into view._

* * *

*cough* "Mary Sue." *cough*

"We now change scenes to the second and final chapter."

* * *

 _She smiled but gasped as she neared Trip, the trainer that had just recently began his journey. For some odd reason he was taking photos of his surroundings. Instead of slowing down to dodge him, Cira leaped over his head at the last possible minute, doing a somersault. She gasped lightly as she stumbled but quickly regained compusure. She silently cursed under her breath at her clumsiness but ran on. Her Pikachu, on the other hand, jumped on Trip's face when he looked up to figure out what mysterious shadow suddenly blocked out the sun. Trip mumbled a annoyed growl as Pikachu jumped onto Cira's shoulder._

* * *

"Clumsy? Athletes crave the coordination to do what you just did at your age."

* * *

" _Hey, you wanna battle, girl? Oh, it's on!" Trip yelled furiously._

* * *

*Ding*

"It's good to see the OOC counter's still working."

* * *

 _Cira gasped,"Challenge me later! Sorry!"_

 _Trip sighed, snapping a photo of Cira's back. Cira looked overhead to see the thundercloud getting lighter._

 _"Hurry, Pikachu!", she yelled. "Pika!" Pikachu responded._

 _They leaped through the open window, startling Ash, a boy a little older than Cira. Spotting the Pikachu on the medical table, her Pikachu hopped onto it, ready to obey Cira's commands. "Pikachu, Electric Overload!" Her Pikachu nodded,"Pika Pi...Chuuuu!"_

* * *

"And why do they have open windows during a storm? And come to think of it, why was Trip out in the storm?"

* * *

 _Bolts of electricity shot out to meet Ash's Pikachu's electricity, canceling them both out. After Ash's Pikachu let out all of its excess electricity, it collapsed, exhausted and weak. Cira's Pikachu jumped back, skidding on the cold metal. It huffed with weariness as it tried to regain its strength and breath. Ash ran over to his Pikachu and picked it up slowly, the thundercloud in the sky fading to reveal a beautiful blue sunny sky. The Pikachu in Ash's arms opened its eyes gradually, taking in its surroundings. Prof. Juniper stepped over to Cira, whispering something in her ear._

 _"Oh, right!" Cira exclaimed._

 _She hadn't noticed that everybody had been staring at her since she burst through the window and saved Ash's Pikachu._

* * *

"Mary Sue." Glaceon grumbled.

* * *

 _"Hi, everyone. My name is Cira. Cira Legend. I'm a friend of Prof. Juniper and Prof. Oak." She rubbed the back of her head with her hand._

 _"Ah yes. Hello again, Cira. Nice to see you again." Prof. Oak smiled. Delia walked up to Cira and shook her hand furiously._

 _"Thank you, thank you so much, Cira! You saved my little boy Ash's Pikachu."_

 _Cira smiled hesitantly, stopping to look at the boy cradling his weak Pikachu. His Pikachu blinked, sitting up as it began to recall what just happened. Ash looked at Cira, and seeing as she was staring at him, he quickly turned away, blushing like mad._

 _"That girl just saved Pikachu, she's... kinda cute..."_

* * *

"Ash. The guy so dense that he can walk through a nuclear war zone and walk out with no problems. Ash just said a girl is cute."

"Glaceon, remember the emo love story of _Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones_. It can't be worse than that." begged Jolteon.

* * *

 _Cira stared at the blushing boy, wondering to herself,"He's kinda cute. I wonder who he is...hmm, Ash..."_

 _Both Pikachu looked at each other and began talking in Pokémon language._

 _"Pika pika pi pikachu!" (Thank you for saving me!)_

 _"Pika pika pikachu pi!" (That's no problem! I got the same thing before. Reshiram told us about it.)_

 _"Pika pi pikachu pika?" (You know Reshiram?)_

 _"Pika pikachu pi pi." (Sure, he's part of our team.)_

* * *

"And just like that, Pikachu is an instant expert on Unovan lore."

* * *

 _Ash walked up to Cira looking at the floor and scuffing his shoes. Delia smirked, knowing her little boy had just earned himself a big crush._

 _"Go on, Ash. Say thank you." She nudged him, causing him to bump into the already embarrassed Cira._

 _"Um...I..I.. ...Thank.. you. For um, saving um, my, my Pikachu..." Ash stammered._

 _Cira nodded. "Sure, um, no prob.. Oh!" Ash's head shot up, startled by Cira's sudden shout out._

 _"Right, that boy outside had just challenged me to a battle before I saved your Pikachu!" She exclaimed._

 _"Huh? You mean Trip? Was he taking pictures of everything?" Cira smirked and nodded._

 _"All right, then let's go out there and beat him!" Ash cried._

 _"Yeah!" The two ran out of the lab to meet the unhappy trainer outside._

* * *

"Love makes you OOC."

* * *

 _"Hmph. Well it's about time you showed up. I'm a busy guy. I don't have time to dilly dally around with some flaky beginner." Trip spat. Cira crossed her arms and looked down, hurt by the insult. Ash glared at Trip but immediately looked down with embarrassment._

 _Trip sighed. "All right. A one on one battle. What's your starter Pokémon?_

 _Something lame, I bet." Cira looked up sheepishly._

 _"Um, actually I started my journey a few years ago. So I have six."_

 _Trip stiffened and rolled his eyes quickly. "A few years ago? Hmph. Then bring out your strongest Pokémon. I bet I can beat whoever you bring out with one move and an arm tied behind my Pokémon's back."_

 _Cira glared at him and replied," I don't think you want to face my strongest Pokémon. It's too strong. How about my weakest?"_

 _Trip glared right back at her. "Excuse me? I dare you to bring out your best. I'd beat your weakest by just looking at it, hmph."_

 _Cira gasped and shot," You asked for it! Reshiram, let's go!"_

* * *

"And love makes Trip stupid."

* * *

 _She threw a white and black pokeball, revealing the legendary dragon and fire type Pokémon. Trip gasped, unable to call out his Snivy._

 _"...Reshiram? Your strongest Pokémon is...Reshiram? Unbelievable. It's a legendary. Why is it with you?"_

 _Cira sighed. "Hey I warned you. And technically, he was a present." She murmured._

 _Reshiram turned to lay its piercing lighting blue eyes on Trip, and let out a ear piercing roar. "Preaaaaaaaaah!" Trip gulped, then called out his Snivy._

 _"I can do this. Snivy, help me out!" His Snivy popped out, its arms on its hips and scanned its opponent._

 _"Snivy?! Sni Vy Vy?! Snivy?!" (Reshiram?! Are you crazy, kid?! You expect me to go up against Reshiram?!)_

 _Trip took in a deep breath, and fired his first move._

* * *

"And the grass snake has the most common sense. Figures."

* * *

 _Leafstorm, let's go!" Snivy obeyed, letting a raging leafstorm charge towards Reshiram._

 _Ash gasped, his eyes widening as he realized Cira wasn't making any move to dodge it. "What are you doing? Dodge it!" Ash cried._

 _Cira shook her head and replied,"Don't worry, Ash. Watch."_

 _The leafstorm made perfect contact with Reshiram and a cloud of smoke billowed out._

 _"Is that the strongest of your Pokémon? Isn't there any other Pokémon stronger than him?" Trip gloated._

 _The smoke cleared to reveal Reshiram with no wound or even a scratch._

 _Trip took in a startled breath but recovered with a strangled exhale._

 _"Reshiram, Fusion Flare!" Cira cried._

 _Reshiram opened its mouth and a huge orange blast shot from it. A huge explosion bursted from Snivy, and when it cleared, Snivy fainted. Trip crossed his arms and regained his composure._

* * *

"Sure, it's not like this is the same dragon that managed to level an entire continent with its other half long ago. Oh wait. She basically ordered a mini nuke. That's not going to garner any attention."

* * *

 _"Whatever. My Snivy is just starting. We'll be a lot more powerful the next time we meet. Snivy, return. We will meet again. Goodbye." Trip's pokeball recalled Snivy, and stalked off._

 _Ash grinned and turned to Cira. "Cira, do you want to travel the Unova region with me? My dream is to become a Pokémon master and we could both enter the Unova League together. I'd be really happy if you'd come with me."_

 _Ash blushed and looked down to avoid eye contact with Cira. She smiled with red cheeks and replied,"That would be great, Ash. My dream's also to become a Pokemon master. I think we're going to get along just fine." The duo both grinned as they set off into Unova. As the journey...CONTINUES!_

* * *

"Well, that witch was right."

"But seriously. The author gave us have a love story and half of an actual story. It feels so incomplete it's a joke."

"Giving have a story is like giving us half a kitten. IT'S A BLOODY MESS."

"Glaceon the Critic is out."

 **Still open to bad fanfiction suggestions.**

 **Note that the review has been blown out of proportion. This reflects my opinion on the work and concepts, not you as an author.**


	7. Christmas with Serena

A nice fireplace is set up with the critic, in Brendan's knit hat, sitting on the chair conveniently next to the fire.

"Hello everyone to Glaceon the Critic where bad fanfiction burns," Glaceon said in a very calm voice, "It's Christmas - well - Christmas in July. How wonderful. Let's begin."

* * *

 _ **Christmas With Serena** By: Yusei-pal473_

 _Ash and Pikachu have Christmas with Serena at her house, where Ash meets Tierno, Trevor, and Shauna. On a side note, Serena and Shauna get into a small rivalry over Ash. Rated K plus for romance. I do not own the song 'All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan'. That honor goes to Kenny Chesney. AmourShipping._

 _Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance - [Ash K./Satoshi, Serena] Shauna/Sana - Words: 2,120 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 13 - Published: Dec 8, 2013 - Status: Complete - id: 9909713_

* * *

"Our story opens up with Ash and co. getting back together. Why were they separated you may ask. Well, they wanted to see their families, and Ash is a foreigner, — I'll let the story explain itself" Glaceon said still very calm.

* * *

 _Ash and Pikachu were on their way to a Pokémon Center in Kalos to meet up with Serena and Fennekin. The Pokémon Center they were going to was in none other than Lumiose City, home of their friends Clemont and Bonnie. They had to separate for a little bit because it was Christmas season and the only one of the 4 who wasn't in the same region as their family was Ash himself. Clemont and Bonnie's father, unlike Serena's mother Grace, wouldn't let Ash join them for Christmas, so he opted to go with Serena instead._

* * *

"So Clemont and Bonnie's father is a little OOC," said the critic, "And I promised I won't rant on Christmas, even it it's in July."

* * *

 _His mother Delia was hosting a Christmas party at her house, still sad that Ash wouldn't be able to come since the airports and ship docks were closed this time of year. Good thing she knew about Serena inviting him to stay with her at Grace's house. "We're almost to the Pokémon Center, Pikachu. Then we can go with Serena to Vaniville Town," Ash said to his best friend. They got to the Pokémon Center and saw Serena and Fennekin waiting for them as well. They saw the Kanto duo and waved them down._

* * *

"And this is sad."

* * *

 _"Are you ready to go, Ash?" Serena asked._

 _"Yeah, you bet, Serena."_

 _"Okay, then, let's go." Off they went to Vaniville Town, knowing it will take a few hours to get there. "By the way, how's your mother doing?"_

 _"She's pretty lonely, even with Mr. Mime there to take care of her. She's actually hosting a Christmas party there," Ash said._

 _"Oh wow, that sounds fun."_

 _"You got that right. I wonder who she invited though."_

* * *

"You know what would be ironic if she - "

* * *

 _Cutaway…_

 _We see Delia going over the guest list at her party. "Professor Oak, Tracey, Misty, Brock, Cilan…Hey has anyone seen Iris?"_

 _End Cutaway…_

* * *

Glaceon!Mr. Turner: And this is where I would put a better cutaway label. _If I had one!_

* * *

 _After a few hours, the Trainers and their Pokémon got to Serena's house, both of them being greeted by Rhyhorn as well. "It's good to see you too, Rhyhorn," said Serena. The commotion caught Grace's attention, so she and her Fletchling went outside to see what was going on. She was happy to know that Ash and Serena made it to the house safe and sound._

 _"Hello, you two. Glad you could make it, Serena. And with Ash and Pikachu to boot," she said to the kids, more specifically to her daughter. She also looked around and noticed that Clemont and Bonnie weren't around. "Hey, where are the other two?"_

* * *

"I'm actually surprised everyone's in character."

* * *

 _"Clemont and Bonnie couldn't come, Grace. They had to spend their Christmas with their dad," said Ash. "They also decided to have it at Lumiose City in case one of Clemont's machines went haywire during that time. By the way, Merry Christmas." Grace knew Ash and Serena knew their friends pretty well, so she understood what Ash meant._

* * *

Daisy Duck: Because Christmas is a time for family and friends and the people that love you

"I just thought of this. Isn't Ash a little happy to be away from home on the holidays? I mean, he did strip down to his underwear just to pull a raft to the north pole and all that but, never mind."

* * *

 _"Well don't you worry about them. I'm sure they'll be fine. Three of Serena's friends came to help out. I'm sure they'll be happy to see you guys." That got Serena's attention, so they went inside and saw a chubby kid wearing a Vanillite shirt, a nerdy-looking kid with an afro, and a tan-skinned girl with three pigtails in her hair and a pink blouse on. Serena indeed knew them well: her neighbors Tierno, Trevor, and Shauna._

* * *

"Can someone get me the definition of afro again?" Glaceon asked, "Oh right. I gave them the holidays off. Please note this was written before the trio properly debut on screen."

* * *

 _Serena was happy to see Tierno and Shauna, but she was none too happy that Trevor was here. The reason was this: when they were kids, Trevor and their friend Calem were outside playing with the rest of their friends. Calem had a bit of a confidence problem, the exact opposite of Ash, so Trevor kept calling him names as a result. This caused Calem to burst into tears and run off. Ever since then, even after Serena got back from Professor Oak's Summer Camp, she hasn't ever forgiven him. She even felt as if Trevor was the reason for Calem to move away._

* * *

*Ding*

"Good to see the OOC counter is still working. Talk about character derailment for Trevor."

* * *

 _Tierno was the first to notice Serena at the door. "Hey, Serena. Long time, no see," said the Pokémon dance-coach-in-training. "How've you been?"_

 _"I'm doing fine, Tierno." Trevor and Shauna stopped what they were doing and looked to see their friend. They also noticed Ash, but Trevor asked a dumb question._

* * *

"Oh boy."

* * *

 _"What the heck is Calem doing here? Looking to get hurt even more? Apparently, you don't know your own limit!" he exclaimed. This ticked off Serena while Ash just smirked._

 _"Okay, two things, pal," Ash began. "1) My name's Ash Ketchum and I'm from Pallet Town in Kanto, not Vaniville; and 2) how's anyone supposed to take your insults seriously with that orange afro? You look like Carrot-Top at a disco."_

* * *

*dingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding* *Crunch*

"Excuse me while I hop into the story and bring some punishment." Glaceon said, "Winds of fanfiction ... CHANGE." The setting changed right into the story. There was Ash and Trevor as well as everyone else in the fanfic.

"Where did you come from," Fanfic!Ash asked rhetorically.

"I am the flail of Arceus...If you had not committed great sins, Arceus would not have sent a punishment like me upon you." Glaceon declared vehemently. You can guess which boy was dumfound and which was confused. Two crunches, two ripping sounds, one embarrassed Serena, and one frozen room with two boys that seem to be holding parts of their bodies that should never be in pain is considered punishment by critic standards. In a flash of light, the critic vanished.

"Um, let's never bring this up again," Fanfic!Ash squealed.

"I never though that you could be harmed that much by your own pants," Trevor squeaked.

* * *

 _"Mega burn!" exclaimed Shauna. "Maybe that should teach you not to bully Calem, Trevor." Shauna's comment surprised Tierno while Ash pulling one on Trevor for Calem surprised both the afro-nerd and Serena. Trevor then studied Ash and realized that, aside from the clothing design, he definitely looked different from his old 'punching bag'. He also knew that Ash was a Trainer since he saw Pikachu on his shoulder._

* * *

"And Shauna never stopped him because physics."

* * *

 _"If you're from Kanto, then why are you here? Are you a newbie?" Trevor asked._

 _"Actually, Trevor, Ash here had his first journey in Kanto. Ever since then, he has traveled through the Orange Islands, Johto, Hoenn, the Kanto Battle Frontier, Sinnoh, Unova, and the Decolora Islands." Serena said, shocking her three friends._

* * *

"This would probably happen in canon too."

* * *

 _Shauna took a closer look at Ash and Pikachu and, based on looks alone, felt a rivalry with her longtime friend. Tierno finally recognized where he had seen him before. "Now I remember you! You're the kid from the Garchomp incident at Lumiose City!" he exclaimed. "That was so cool! Can I have your autograph?"_

 _"Me too, please?" Shauna asked. "Serena, you've got a cool one here in my opinion. Can I have him for a little bit?" Serena wasn't all that comfortable with that._

 _"Tch. I don't see what's so cool about him," scoffed Trevor while Ash finished signing Tierno and Shauna's autograph books. That was something he hasn't done before, and it kind of made him more uncomfortable thanks to Shauna's question toward Serena_

* * *

"I can't believe this hasn't happened in canon yet."

* * *

 _"Keep your mouth shut, Trevor! You're just jealous because Ash hasn't been easy to pick on since his rivalry with Professor Oak's grandson Gary!" Serena exclaimed."_

* * *

Glaceon!Serena: I'm a little teapot short and stout; Here is my characterization; Here is my window;

* * *

 _"Is this about the whole Calem thing? Jeez, I'd thought you'd get over that."_

 _"No she didn't, Trevor. From what Serena told me, she and Calem were as close as a brother and sister. If anything, I'm sure Calem was a nice person and not a jerk like you," Ash said. All this time, Grace was in the kitchen listening to the conversation._

 _'So Trevor actually did do it,' she thought._

* * *

"Excuse me while I pull Game!Trevor here and force him to massive wallbanging worthy cow manure." Glaceon huffed. _One More Day_ is thrown at him from the audience. Said insult to comics is being digested by the tosser, and it didn't enter through an orifice.

* * *

 _A few hours after the argument ended in Ash and Serena's favor, the house was ready for Christmas. Ash had even bought a new CD: Kenny Chesney's album All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan. The title track was the first song on the list, so Ash and the others got a feel of what Kenny Chesney's style is. Ash and the others sat in front of the fireplace._

* * *

"Unfortunately, I probably have a lawsuit to deal with so I can't afford the rights to use the lyrics right now."

* * *

 _Shauna used every opportunity she could to flirt with Ash, which made Serena a little mad and Ash a little more uncomfortable. "You know, Ash, you've definitely got a real good tan," she said, making Ash red with embarrassment._

* * *

"Time for the sin counter."

Shauna could do better *Ding*

Ash is OOC *Ding*

* * *

 _Serena took that opportunity to do a little flirting of her own. "Why don't you rub some on me, Ashy?" she asked, shocking him in the process. Tierno and Trevor got jealous because Ash was getting the girls while Pikachu and Fennekin were smiling at the antics._

* * *

Sigh *Ding*

* * *

 _At the end of the song, Grace came in and saw that Ash, Serena, and Shauna all fell asleep. Serena was on Ash's left while Shauna was on his right. After she left, Serena opened one eye and found that she, Ash, and Shauna were the only ones there. She looked above their heads and saw the all-too-familiar mistletoe. Definitely knowing the tradition, she got into a position where she wouldn't disturb Shauna and kissed him on the lips._

 _Ash's eyes shot open as he felt Serena's lips on his. Once Serena broke away, she pointed at the mistletoe. Lucky for her, Ash knew the tradition. "Merry Christmas, Ash," she said._

* * *

"Good to see that Ash knows something about love. Does he know about aging? How does he know about love?"

* * *

 _"Merry Christmas, Serena," said Ash. He then put his hand on Serena's cheek and pulled her in for another kiss._

* * *

"Ash also knows how to be OOC."

* * *

 _Meanwhile, Pikachu and Fennekin were on top of a bookshelf with Ash's fishing rod in Pikachu's possession. At the end of the line was the mistletoe._

 _THE END_

* * *

"Logic aside, that's a good thing for Pikachu to do. Other than the fact that he's holding a fishing rod by himself."

"Other than the OOC moments and Trevor being a son of a (censored), this wasn't a horrible fanfic. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to meet with my lawyer. I remember a time when you don't sue Pokemon."

The studio was vacant in a matter of minutes. The lights were off and the air conditioner was forced off, but the fanfic was still on the ground. A hand was reaching out of it. A fisted and gloved hand. It's totally not foreshadowing anything for future reviews.


	8. Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles

The critic was just sitting there, staring out into the audience as if someone committed a murder right in front of him.

"I have nothing," Glaceon began, "Imagine a dessert. Let's say a nice cake. Then some idiot spills his or her soda on the cake. Then the idiot beats you with the ruined pastry. This is what … this is about."

"I have literally found it. The worst fanfic ever. Hands down not comparison blasphemous crap," said his trainer, "Please begin."

* * *

 ** _Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles )_**

 _By: proudhousewife_

 _Do you want your little ones to read books; and they want to read the Harry Potter Books; but you do not want them to turn into witches? Well-this is the story for you! This story has all the adventure of JKR's books; but will not lead your children astray. For concerned mommies everywhere! Blessings! Grace Ann_

 _Rated: Fiction K - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 14 - Words: 13,415 - Reviews: 7,719 - Favs: 454 - Follows: 902 - Updated: Oct 24, 2014 - Published: Aug 24, 2014 - id: 10644439_

* * *

"Where do I begin?" Glaceon facepawed.

* * *

 _Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witch_ _es! S_ _o I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why n_ _ot share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado_

* * *

"What is this? The nineteenth century?!" Glaceon said, "What the heck? What happened to don't judge the book by its cover?"

* * *

 _Once upon a time…_

* * *

"Our story begins with a cliché stock phrase," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _… there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed._

* * *

"Congratulations Grace Ann for butchering characterization in the first paragraph," Glaceon spat, "Could you imagine Mewtwo baking cookies or Keldeo constantly angsting."

Glaceon!Mewtwo: (anime giggle) the cookies are ready.

Glaceon!Keldeo: (In the voice of Edward Cullen) Chagrin! Chagrin! Chagrin!

* * *

 _"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven._

* * *

"This is going to lead into a massive plothole eventually," Glaceon grumbled.

* * *

 _Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door._

 _On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why!_

 _"Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?"_

 _"I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right._

 _"I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically._

 _"You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes._

 _"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit._

 _"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat._

 _Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. "Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?"_

 _Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that..._

 _"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?"_

 _Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?"_

 _"What is a Christian?" Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time._

 _"Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"_

 _Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious._

 _"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."_

 _Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."_

 _Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"_

 _"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched._

 _"Well then prove it!"_

 _Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!_

* * *

"This is probably in the top ten of the worst things I've read. As a writer, you take a side and make it look good. You also have to acknowledge the other side and their arguments. It makes you look childish if you don't do exactly that. At least imply there is an argument to counter yours." Glaceon ranted, "If this argument is a person, I would freeze the bodily fluids, shatter the corpse, proudly proclaim it to the Pokémon Multiverse, and no jury would convict me."

* * *

 _"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility._

 _"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?"_

 _"I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down._

 _"Then pray the sinner's prayer!"_

 _Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily._

 _"You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly._

 _Harry smiled but then interrogated, "But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!"_

 _Hagrid grinned widely. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"_

* * *

"Sure it's not like there is a multitude of churches and cathedrals in Great Britain," Glaceon moaned, "It gets worse."

* * *

 _Author's Note: SO what do you all think? I may not be a professional writer; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission =)_

 _Blessings!_

 _\- Grace Ann_

* * *

"This is more self righteous and bias than a real humble argument like everyone likes. Just replace all references to magic and fictional creatures from the books and you basically get Marvel's mutants. I'm not kidding," Glaceon said, "On to chapter two."

* * *

 _Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have been getting so many lovely, thankful messages from mommies everywhere; and I just want to say-thank you all for your encouragement! However; I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches; it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery. Friends: this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it; but it still has witchcraft; so my children cannot read it. BUT that is why I am writing this! So they can have all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down. I mean, Matthew 3:12, am I right?! So, without further ado-on to chapter two =)_

* * *

"I'm beginning to question if this old bat has actually read the books," Glaceon sighed grabbing the apricorn juice.

* * *

 _"Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?" Harry queried; and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner peace. He wanted to have more of that peace; and he wanted to learn how to be a good Christian-he was starting to think that peace and being a good Christian were in fact the exact same thing! "I want to go there!"_

 _Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!_

* * *

"There she goes mouthing off and acting self righteous again. Honestly, the Catholic Church accepts evolution as fact because it doesn't contradict the fact there was once a first man and a first woman." Glaceon yelled banging his head into the desk.

"If you'll excuse me, I'll be leading an angry mob," Glaceon said holding up a pitchfork made of ice with his tail.

 **Now a word from our sponsors**


	9. Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles 2

"Welcome back to Glaceon the Critic where bad fanfiction and apparently the cities of bad authors burn," Glaceon giggled gesturing at his window while having a rather crude gesture at the rest of the second chapter before him.

* * *

" _Don't be silly, Harry," Aunt Petunia commanded; and wrung her long, bony hands. "Come back inside; I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins. You do not need that silly religion."_

* * *

"We unfortunately continue to have more preachiness rather than actual story," groaned the critic.

* * *

 _Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; and this was the only home he knew. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now. He had prayed the Sinner's Prayer. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do._

* * *

"I think I know who wrote this. The WBC," Glaceon said, "It adds up. Preachy hate mixed in with lots of drugs and alcohol. All that's missing is the homophobic hate."

* * *

" _No, Aunt Petunia," he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. "Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts."_

 _"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?"_

 _"Birthdays are not of God," Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34."_

* * *

"And just like that, he's a theology teacher," Glaceon began, "What the heck? Why would that make you an expert? It's like Keldeo dancing in a sparkling miniskirt. It's a bloody mess." The critic realized what he just said. Then Slyveon and Espeon were guarding the doors after hearing that.

* * *

 _Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry. Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day._

 _"Do not leave, Harry!" Dudley wailed childishly._

 _"I must," Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. "Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day."_

 _And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private Drive._

 _"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously._

 _"We will pray," Hagrid retorted knowledgeably._

 _"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively._

* * *

"I'm not sure if this can be considered a trollfic." the critic said, "Details about theology are messed up in favor of the preachy hater's cow(censored)."

* * *

 _"Watch," Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!"_

 _Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!_

 _A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man._

 _"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"_

* * *

Head-desk. Facepaw.

* * *

 _Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story; but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do. We want our little ones to have good, Christian literature to read; and in this modern world, sometimes, that can be hard to come by! So I will just have to make do =)_

* * *

"I take all the curses I have uttered in my entire life and give them to you," Glaceon declared, "Just remember this you preachy crybaby. Thy sins shall find thee out."

* * *

 _"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"_

* * *

"How is he a theology teacher? He just converted," Glaceon yelled, "And come to think of it, why did he leave his home? The Dursleys were good and caring people. He had no reason to leave."

* * *

 _The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God._

 _"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."_

* * *

"Congratulations Grace Ann. You broke your own continuity," Glaceon said polishing a blade, "Trollfic or not. Everything is wrong. The characters are just mouthpieces for the author to spew her crap, the dialogue is chunky and overly preachy, and the writing quality is awful even for a possible trollfic."

* * *

 _Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!"_

 _Hagrid nodded wisely._

 _Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively, "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?"_

 _"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly. "I've never had a family dinner before!"_

* * *

"This is beyond insulting. There are families that have to work and can't have dinner with their kids. Heck, some can't even eat. And then there are those in households where parents are pitted against the child. And this stupid author's only excuse is to antagonize the Dursleys. Move on you stupid thing."

* * *

 _"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"_

 _Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen!_

 _"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer! Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted; and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!"_

 _Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."_

 _"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."_

* * *

"Way to butcher religion again."

* * *

 _All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!_

 _"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!"_

 _Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have._

* * *

"THAT'S IT," Glaceon yelled loud enough to fill the Gates of Hell with more misery and woe, "This is probably a trollfic and not the good kind. Trollfics are great because they bring us things to make fun of. Satire is basically the solid literature version of trollfics. Satire removes the preachiness and replaces it with something so outlandish that it makes the opposing argument look good. But there is no point made here. It's here to troll and be annoying. Where's the fun parts? My Immortal was fun to make fun of because of its bad grammar and utter stupidity of the dialogue. Here? The dialogue is chunky and the author thinks semicolons are commas. This doesn't deserved to be burned."

Glaceon raised a basilisk fang into the air and slammed it onto the paper like lightning to metal. The paper "bled" out onto the floor. While the critic walked off, presumably to use the fang against the author that is currently being held by Mewtwo in a cell under the building.

 **Yeah, this story sucked. The real reason I didn't review the rest of the fanfic is because the flash drive I used to hold the documents was corrupted. I didn't like the story and my complaining got really repetitive. Unless you want me to review the rest of this … abomination just say so. Unless Keldeo, Genesect, Kyurem, Zekrom, or Reshiram want to review it. Be. My. Guest.**


	10. Tamers Requiem, Book 1

**_Glaceon the Critic_**

 ** _Presents_**

 ** _Tamers Requiem, Book 1: Hazard's Sorrow by Crazyeights  
_**

There was a phone on Glaceon's nightstand. Said phone was about to be smashed by iron tail, but he stopped and answered.

"Hello," Glaceon greeted, "Yes Twilight, I finished that stupid last book."

"I've cleared out entire libraries. I can't stand it anymore." the pony said.

"Um, are you okay? I mean, _Twilight_ was, is, and always will be bad." Glaceon began.

"Chagrin." Twilight hissed, "It's kept me up for days. I'm ready to explode at the first person that brings me bad news."

Glaceon said, "Hold it Twilight Psycho — "

"Don't acknowledge that meme in front of me. I'm coming for you," the cray cray one grumbled.

"I'll get the bronies in white suits to pick you up soon," Glaceon said fearfully.

* * *

"Welcome to Glaceon the Critic where bad fanfiction burns," Glaceon said, "You're probably wondering what that small… event was. Well, Twilight Sparkle and I had a bet and the loser would have to read the entire _Twilight Saga_. We both lost. I took my precious time because I knew it would suck. She dived right in and became Twilight Psycho, a Lovecraftian horror story incarnate. Right now, I'm hiding in my apocalypse bunker ready to atone for my sins, er, I mean, review fanfiction."

* * *

 _ **"GUILMON!"**_

* * *

"I suppose now is a good a time as any to explain what this is about. This is a continuation of _Digimon Tamers_ so you're going to expect tears, horror, and momentai," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _The cry tore out of Takato's throat as he watched the shards of data float away from him. In spite of the pain that ripped through his body, Takato staggered to his feet, reaching out towards the shards as though he could stop them from disappearing. In sheer desperation, Takato lunged after them, but was stopped as a strong arm wrapped itself around him, pulling him back, trying to get him away from the danger that was still there._

* * *

"I'm sure he'll show up as an egg in — oh this is Tamers. Wow, a tearjerker and the first paragraph is not over," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Takato didn't take any notice of it however, and he lunged forward once again, tears streaming down his face, more cries that were little more than bestial roars of anguish erupted from his mouth as he struggled against the arm that held him. He didn't have a chance however, and his feet soon found the absence of ground beneath them as he was hauled up and back, being carried away from the battle as the voice of the enemy, the digimon that broke through the barriers between the real and digital worlds and attacked the Tamers, resounded upon the air, not in laughter, but rather as though it had accomplished what it saw as a simple duty. Cleaning out the trash._

* * *

"Wow, this is depressing. I feel like there was an apocalypse scene I just missed," Glaceon said.

"My sensors indicate there is an instance of foreshadowing in the last two sentences," Mechamew2 beeped.

"My sensors indicate I hired you to be a camera, not a Porygon," Glaceon grumbled at the nature of his camera.

* * *

 _Nothing more than a job that had to be done quickly and gotten over with, and then wash its hands clean afterwards. Takato really didn't hear much of it. All he saw was his friend's data, floating towards the sky, drifting apart bit by bit as it rose until finally, the individual pieces were separated entirely from the others and disappeared all together. Gone. Just like that._

* * *

"This is still the first paragraph," Glaceon said, "There's nothing wrong with it. It's just a wall of text."

* * *

 _How could this happen? Thought Takato deliriously, desperately hoping that it was all just some bad dream and that he'd wake up. That he'd wake up in bed and see his reptilian partner next to him, and that he'd wake up, sensing Takato's disturbance from his rest and ask him what was up. He might even tell him, and Guilmon would comfort him, and then they'd both laugh about it afterwards, say how dreams couldn't hurt them, and then laugh again at a joke that only they, and perhaps their friend Rika, could only appreciate. Right after she glared at them that is._

* * *

"Besides the cliche 'this is a bad dream' thing, it's remarkably detailed," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _It_ _ **can't**_ _be happening! This is just a bad dream! I know it is!_

 _Reality however, continued to say otherwise, and the pain of it settled down brutally, crushing him down under its harsh weight. The image of their enemy in front of him, mocking him, almost providing an ironic joke for everything that Takato and his friends had fought for. It couldn't end like this. It shouldn't have! Takato had promised Guilmon! He had promised him that they'd always…!_

* * *

"Geez, where's the . ?docid=44609437#gue?"

* * *

 _It was too much. Takato let out another roar of anguish, not trying to hide it, not trying to hold it in, in spite of his own promise to himself that it wouldn't happen again. Not after what had happened the last time he lost control of himself._

 _And the day had started off so well too…_

* * *

"And the story started off so well... NEXT," Glaceon yelled, "This chapter was _that_ short."

* * *

 _The day that had started out so well for Takato Matsuki was one of those fine days in the springtime, approximately three weeks after the train digimon Locomon ran through Shinjuku followed up shortly afterwards by the Parasimon invasion._

* * *

"Um, this is where continuity gets confusing. There were two endings, one featuring Locomon in a movie that took place after the series another was in a CD drama. And the fandom still fights over which is canon." Glaceon sighed, "Now let's check the security cameras on Twilight Psycho."

"I'M COMING FOR YOU."

"On second thought, let's keep reviewing. I'm sure the bronies can handle it," Glaceon said scribbling on a piece of paper. It was probably his will given the circumstance.

* * *

 _Takato was sleeping in his bed, completely dead to the world, one hand dangling over the edge of his bed while his partner, the crimson raptor known as Guilmon, snored away, occasionally twitching in his sleep and muttering something that sounded along the lines of Takatomon digivolve and Guilmon bread._

* * *

"Okay, that was cute," Glaceon said.

"Didn't Brian Beacock voice the second Agumon. There really is a Takatomon," Mechamew2 blooped.

"Didn't you read the company policy. It specifically states that you're not allowed to bring up _his_ name," Glaceon snapped, "It always causes immaturity."

"I don't exactly have my body or a third of my mind." Mechamew2 beeped.

* * *

 _This latter was usually preceded by sounds of satisfaction and some slight smacking at the mouth. As stated, Takato was unaware of Guilmon's dreams, even when the poor dino occasionally bit his own clawed hand. Fortunately for the boy, Guilmon never woke up from those less than playful nips and both were able to continue sleeping soundly as the faint rays of sunlight drifted through the sliding door that led out to a balcony. All seemed right with the world…_

* * *

Glaceon!Narrator: One Jump Scare Later

* * *

 _"TAKATO!"_

 _Well, at least for a little while._

* * *

Nostalgia Critic: No (Censored) sh(censored)

* * *

 _Takato's eyes snapped open and he sat up, sleep disappearing almost immediately as adrenaline flooded his system. Disoriented, Takato took a look around, half wondering if he and Guilmon were under attack by a crazed digimon. For all he knew he might be. The state that his room was in certainly made him draw that conclusion._

 _No. Wait. It's always like that…_

* * *

"Duh," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Taking another look around, Takato didn't see anything in his vicinity that looked like a threat, and just as he was about to conclude that whatever it was that had startled him out of his rest was all a part of his dream, he heard the thundering sound of footsteps coming up the stairs leading to his room. Fear settled in his brain as he realized with dawning realization as to what it was, Takato tried to get up._

 _Only to find that his legs were stuck beneath Guilmon._

* * *

"I'm no scientist, but Guilmon could probably snap both of your legs, Takato," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Aaah! Guilmon!" Said the boy as desperation began to settle on him. Takato shook his partner, trying to get a reaction out of his companion. "C'mon boy! You've got to wake up!"_

 _The red dinosaur cracked one gold colored eye open, looking sleepily at Takato before speaking._

 _"Morning already?"_

 _Takato just nodded furiously and tried to shove his partner off his legs._

 _"Yeah. Now come on! You've got to…"_

 _"TAKATO!"_

* * *

"There should be a dash," Mechamew2 said.

* * *

 _Takato's door slammed open, startling Guilmon into standing up. Takato, with reflexes born from having to deal with wild digimon on an almost constant basis managed to pull his legs out and he swung himself onto the ladder of his bed and jumped down just as soon as his mother entered the room._

 _Only to have his legs give out a second later. Takato crashed to the floor like a heap of bricks._

 _"Ouch," said Takato suddenly realizing what had happened. Legs fell asleep…_

 _Mei Matsuki, Takato's mother, just stared at her chaotic son before shaking her head, a small smile on her face as she did so._

* * *

"Ah ha! His mother's name is Yoshie Matsuki not Mei!" Glaceon shouted.

* * *

 _"Takato, are you just going to sleep in all day or are you actually going to get up and enjoy some of this sun?"_

 _"Well," said Takato as he rubbed some feeling back into his legs, the harsh tingle of circulation making the boy wince out of discomfort. "That's actually not a bad idea…"_

* * *

"He's not wrong," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Takato!"_

 _The boy sighed and smiled his usual, lopsided grin._

 _"All right Mom. All right… do you and Dad need any help around the bakery?"_

 _Mei just shook her head._

 _"Not at the moment Takato, thanks for the offer though. We might need you later in the afternoon, but thanks to your sleeping in you missed out on the morning rush. As usual."_

 _"Well, it is the weekend…" Takato muttered as he scratched the back of his head._

 _"I heard that. At any rate, I'd like you to be back around one to man the cash register."_

 _Takato smiled._

 _"Sure Mom."_

 _"But first," said Guilmon gleefully from atop Takato's bed. "Some food!"_

 _Mei just smirked at the dino._

* * *

"After nearly clearing the bakery, Takato gets dressed, exposition, Glaceon listed.

* * *

 _Guilmon waited for Takato downstairs while the boy dressed. Tugging on his blue hoody shirt Takato took a look around and quickly found his goggles where he had left them on his desk. Picking them up and strapping them on, Takato took a brief moment to take a look outside before returning his gaze to his desk, smiling at the picture of Guilmon that he had been working on yesterday and at a picture of him and two of his friends Rika and Henry from that time he visited his cousin Kai for a week and had that huge battle with Gulfmon. A pretty interesting time to be sure, helped by the fact that he hadn't had to hide Guilmon from Kai (even though it had started out with that intention) and fun too. At least when they weren't having to deal with rogue digimon. And of course there was the fact that the battle had brought in Omnimon. At least according to Rika and Henry, since he had to transport them, being forbidden to interfere directly in the real world. Which Takato found sort of strange but he supposed that the mighty Mega digimon had his reasons for it. Takato took one last look at the picture, smiling at it before he turned and left the room, faintly wondering how Rika had been able to explain away her sudden absence from Shinjuku when everything went down._

 _Shrugging it off, Takato closed the door behind him, a bright and cheerful smile on his face and he headed downstairs to join his partner so that together, they could join the world in another one of its daily cycles. As he passed the door leading to the bakery's kitchen, Takato's thoughts were characteristically optimistic._

* * *

"Um, plot please," Glaceon yawned.

* * *

 _Today's going to be a good day._

* * *

 _Takato and Guilmon easily made their way to Shinjuku Park without any sense of worry about having to keep the red dinosaur hidden. The people around his home area were long used to the sight of Guilmon, having become the official mascot of the Matsuki bakery that was selling the now highly famous (at least in Shinjuku) Guilmon Bread. Takato smiled as he remembered the reactions of his two friends, Kazu and Kenta when they heard about how popular it was becoming. Kazu at least, had all but demanded a cut of the profits for having come up with the name, or at least make it so that he got the credit for it._

* * *

"Um, Plot?"

* * *

 _It was sort of amusing watching Kazu get frustrated like that. He always had a way of jumping on anything that got him attention and enabled him to inflate his already massive ego, though usually it revolved around saving the city from rampaging digimon or doing something that impressed Ryo when he was around._

 _Next to him, Guilmon nuzzled the bag of day old bread that Takato had packed, sniffing at it cautiously before making an attempt to plunge his face into it to get at the delicious delicacies that lay within._

 _"Ahhh!" Exclaimed Takato as he pulled the bag away from his partner, a couple loafs of bread tumbling out. Guilmon snagged one of them out of mid air and scarfed it down and immediately grabbed the other one that lay on the dirt ground. "Guilmon!"_

 _"What?" Asked the red dino in between mouthfuls of bread. Takato looked at his partner with an exasperated expression, though the smile on his face told Guilmon that he really wasn't upset with him._

 _"Guilmon, this bag is supposed to hold you over until lunchtime. You can't go scarfing this stuff down whenever you feel like it; especially with the way you eat. And what have I told you about asking first before you go doing things like that?"_

 _Guilmon's wing like ears drooped slightly._

 _"Sorry Takato. It's just that whenever I see food my brain goes all funny on me."_

* * *

"Plot, are you still home?"

* * *

Guilmon's wing like ears drooped slightly.

"Sorry Takato. It's just that whenever I see food my brain goes all funny on me."

* * *

"I honestly thought that Guilmon would learn by now. Momentai I guess," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Takato laughed lightly and rubbed his partners head with one hand._

 _"Yeah, don't I know it boy? C'mon. Let's go by your old place. I'm pretty sure that we'll find some of the others there."_

 _"I hope so…" said Guilmon wistfully. He always enjoyed these visits to his old home. He had stopped living there after Takato's parents had learned about Guilmon's existence and the general populace had gotten used to seeing him as the Bakery's mascot made it less important to keep the reptile hidden (the only exception being when he was traveling somewhere where his presence wasn't as well known). Sometimes Takato wondered if Guilmon missed living in his old concrete hut, though he couldn't really understand why. Well, maybe he could. It was after all the first place that he had called his home, and he had spent quite a lot of time there. So far Guilmon hadn't shown much desire to go back, but that might have been because he didn't want to be parted from Takato now that they were able to hang out at the Matsuki Bakery. Despite the change in residence, it didn't stop Takato, Guilmon, or any of the other Tamers from hanging out there whenever the fancy took them, which was often in their case. It had been their meeting place when they first started working together as a group, and it would no doubt remain so until some digimon showed up and turned it into rubble._

* * *

"I'm still waiting for the plot," Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Soon enough, the pair of friends arrived at the stairs that would take them up to the stone hut and they began their ascent, smiles on both of their faces. No worries shadowed their hearts, and thoughts of any wild digimon were far from their minds._

* * *

 _As they passed over the last few steps that led to the concrete shack Takato was proven right for a change. Most of the other Tamers were there. Rika, Henry, Kazu, Kenta, Jeri, and even Suzie were there with their partner digimon. Rika and Henry were currently engaged in a Digimon card battle while Kazu and Kenta looked on, interrupting every so often with a bad joke or some comment about a specific play that was being made, earning them several glares from the red headed Tamer that sat across from Henry, who took it all with a small smile. Next to Rika, Jeri giggled as she raised her hand with the sock puppet and woofed at the boys, telling them that they had best watch themselves around Rika. Takato looked at his partner and together they approached the group._

 _"Hey guys," said Takato as he set down his bag and sat down next to Jeri._

 _"Well, look who finally decided to show up," said Rika sarcastically. "What took you so long, Gogglehead? Did you go into a coma or something?"_

 _Takato rubbed the back of his head sheepishly._

 _"Sorry. I overslept. My Mom had to bang on my door to get me to wake up…"_

 _"The way you sleep I'm surprised that she was successful," muttered a certain long eared digimon._

 _"Terriermon…" began Henry as he fixed his rabbit like partner with a warning glare._

 _"Momentai Henry," said Terriermon. "You've got to admit though, Takato does sleep like the dead."_

* * *

"Sqee, hehem, Sorry about that. Momentai." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"Not as much as Kazu and Kenta I'll bet," said Rika as she returned her attention to her cards. "As I recall, they slept through the Jagamon stampede when we were in the digital world." "Hey!" Cried the two boys indignantly. "Well it's true." Takato leaned back, remembering their first day in the digital world, and the Meramon who had met his fate at the hands of the Jagamon. He didn't like that that had happened, but he guessed that it was to be expected since Meramon had started attacking them._

* * *

"Well Duh, If you attack someone, just a little, EXPECT TO BE HIT BACK YOU TERRIBLE PERSON,"Glaceon screamed for all the heavens (and Twilight Psycho) to hear.

* * *

 _It sure wasn't how the digital world was depicted in the TV show,_ thought Takato. He found it a little bit strange that the show and the card game had gotten every other detail right except for that one. Takato found it a little disturbing, but he supposed that there would have been some kind of public outcry from parents, especially in America, had the real version of the digital world been shown on TV. Maybe the idea of the digital world as such a harsh place wasn't appealing for a kids show. But then they still showed digimon attacking just about everything that moved, and having the Digidestined actually _kill_ some of those digimon was a kind of strange irony.

* * *

"Let's see all the things that aren't appropriate for kids, _Digimon Tamers_ , the fourth season of _Teen Titans_ , some parts of _Power Rangers RPM_ , and _Disney's Descendants. How that stupid movie was greenlit is anyone's guess," Glaceon ranted._

* * *

 _"Haven't you been using your eyes, Takatomon?" Asked Terriermon. "There's a game going on here. Henry's actually been giving the Digimon Queen a challenge for once. Sure, she still has the lead over him but I think that he might actually be able to beat her…"_

* * *

"You're going to eat your words in 3... 2... 1"

* * *

 _Suddenly Rika laid down a Sakuyamon card over her Taomon with a triumphant smirk. Terriermon's face fell at the sight of it._

 _"… Or not."_

 _Within the time space of a few seconds, Rika had wrapped up her match with Henry and collected her cards. Shuffling them Rika looked around at the group, not once losing her smirk._

* * *

Narrator: The Following is a Construction Montage

* * *

" _So," the red headed Tamer began, her voice taking on a rather superior sound to it. "Who's next?"_

 _Takato smiled as he looked at his friends, a sense of contentment filling his heart as the day truly began._

 _Some things never change…_

* * *

 _Takato flopped down on his back with a groan, taking a moment to look up at the sky as he felt the weight of defeat settle on his shoulders like a heavy chain and dragging him down. It was something that he was used to though, so he didn't really think about it that much._

 _"You guys aren't much of a challenge," said Rika in false disdain. Takato had just been her latest victim in her long string of victories for the day, starting with Kazu and Kenta, then going to Henry and Jeri, then back to Kazu, and at present ending with Takato. The only one of them so far who had really given the Digimon Queen any serious trouble besides Henry was Jeri. Kazu had once accused Rika of going easy on Jeri but his accusation didn't really bear any fruit. Mostly because he never said it to Rika's face._

* * *

"No sane person would say it to Rika's face."

* * *

 _"Well, this is more of your game than ours," said Henry._

 _"This from the guy who's a Tamer," joked Terriermon as he climbed up onto his partner's shoulder._

 _"Gotta admit, Rabbitmon's got a point there."_

 _"Oh great," muttered Terriermon. "Isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse or something?"_

* * *

"Does Apocalymon count?"

* * *

 _"It wouldn't be the first time," quipped Henry with a laugh._

 _A_ fter _this was said, Jeri Katou stood up._

 _"Well, I'd better be going," she said._

 _Takato sat up and raised an eyebrow._

 _"Going? Going where?"_

 _"My Father said that he was going to need my help at the restaurant today, so I couldn't stay out for very long. I told him that I'd be back before lunch."_

 _Takato's face fell a little bit. He had been hoping to see more of Jeri today, especially since he only just got here. But there was no use fighting the inevitable, at least in this case. Gathering up his cards, Takato stood up._

 _"Hey Jeri?"_

 _Jeri looked at Takato with a soft smile._

 _"Yeah?"_

 _Feeling some slight amount of heat crawl across his face, Takato rubbed the back of his head nervously and mentally crossed his fingers. Here was hoping that he didn't suddenly lose his nerve._

 _"Uh… I was just wondering if I could... um… walk you there?"_

 _Behind him, Takato could hear Kazu, Kenta and… was that Terriermon?… snickering, and the heat on his face increased two-fold. Well… here was one more reason to hope that Jeri said yes._

 _Takato's faith was rewarded with a nod from the brown haired girl, and Takato mentally cheered while at the same time his heart, which seemed to have forgotten to do its job for a minute, thumped hard in his chest._

* * *

"Jurato forever." Glaceon partied, "Um, I'm sorry for that outburst. I need to be neutral to all ships here."

* * *

 _Henry watched Takato and Jeri go with a smile on his face before looking over at Kazu and Kenta trying desperately to hold in their laughter (it was hard to tell which of them was making the greater effort. The difference was so fine you could probably split hairs on it). Takato had promised that he'd be back once he saw Jeri safely to her family's restaurant (though he didn't exactly say it that way, the others got what he meant). It was kind of nice to see Takato show so much care for one person._

 _"Awww…" began Terriermon. "Isn't that sweet? Takatomon's walking his girlfriend home…"_

* * *

Glaceon!Terriermon: Momentai.

* * *

 _With a laugh, Henry raised his hand and rapped his partner on his head._

 _"Terriermon…"_

 _"What? C'mon Henry! You see it! I see it! The dope twins over there see it…"_

* * *

"Let's see HE CONFESSED HIS FEELING FOR HER ON A TRAIN. Although I have to use that dope twins insult."

* * *

 _"HEY!" Once more a cry of indignation from Kazu and Kenta. They were starting to sound like a broken record, and even Rika had described them as such. Terriermon continued with his point._

 _"… Heck, even Rika sees it! And if she can see it than it must be obvious."_

 _Rika snorted but didn't really say or do anything else beyond that for a response._

 _"The only two people who don't seem to see it just left this area. Sometimes I wish that they'd confess and get it over with."_

* * *

"Well... if you want to get technical, he did confess to a D-Reaper Clone."

* * *

 _"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" Asked Kazu. "It's fun watching chumley get all flustered over Jeri. Man, I don't know what he sees in her."_

 _"Still, it is kind of nice," said Henry. "What do you think Rika?"_

 _Rika was quiet for a moment as she thought it over._

 _"Yeah, it's nice. But don't expect me to get all touchy-feely about it."_

 _Henry chuckled._

 _"Don't worry…"_

* * *

 _The sun shone brightly over the city of Shinjuku. On this fine day in the springtime, one wouldn't have thought that anything could disturb the tranquility that the populace felt. Not even the Tamers who stood on guard to protect the fair city from danger._

* * *

"There's the end of chapter two. When is the exposition and rising action going to kick in?" Glaceon asked, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to check on the Lovecraftian horror incarnate."

 **We'll be right back**


	11. Story 1

**Story Segment 1: Twilight Psycho**

"Glaceon," Espeon exasperated, "I have a plan."

"You do?" Glaceon said. His sister nodded her head. Whispering into his ear brought up two points, "Phoenix Force" and "Psychic barriers." Before the plan could be explained in great lengths, Twilight Psycho busted down the metal walls.

"Hear me Eeveelutions!" the nutty one yelled.

"Um, we're broadcasting to an audience," Glaceon pointed out.

"My mistake. Hear me audience! **No longer am I the pony you knew!** _**I AM CHAGRIN AND EMO INCARNATE! I AM SPARKLEPYRE!**_ " Twilight declare.

"All this from reading a stupid series?" Espeon facepawed.

"I't not like some cosmic force of chagrin and emo entered her body." Jolteon said.

"She just declared that you dolt." Glaceon sighed, "let's get this over with." From his mouth, ice beam was fired, freezing her from head to hoof. Espeon wasted no time to start installing psychic blocks. But it was far from over. The ice began to rapidly heat up. The ice became water, and the water became steam.

"When did she get fire powers?!" yelled one of the Eeveelutions.

"It's the power of those horrible books!" answered another.

"Where are the Swords of Justice when you need them?!" cried a lone Eevee.

 **To be Continued**


	12. Tamers Requiem Book 1 Part 2

"Welcome back," Glaceon said, "Don't mind the pony that's going Dark Phoenix on us. Espeon and Umbreon are trying their best to contain the Cullen Force."

"So that's what you're calling it now?" Mechamew2 beeped.

"So we left off with the Tamers in the park. Meanwhile, Hypnos, the government organization that destroys Digimon. While they did help the Tamers, their role here is to still stop threats from emerging."

* * *

 _A red circle like signal lit up on Hypnos's monitoring screen as it sifted through the layers of data that made up the Earth's Internet, keeping an eye out for any anomalies that could conceivably come from that strange and mysterious other dimension known as the digital world. This signal was not met with any gratitude from the staff that kept an eye on the screens, and a second later another signal, this one resembling three orbs connected together by a triangle, intercepted the red one, and vanished as soon as contact was made. The red signal continued onwards unabated, it's destination known only to those who worked within the dark recesses of Hypnos._

* * *

"This is the Yuggoth program, a tactic used to delete the Digimon and named after a planet of the Cthulhu Mythos," Glaceon explained.

"I HAVE CONSUMED MANY PLANETS, MORTAL. I AM EMO AND CHAGRIN INCARNATE." the Cullen Force screamed.

"Get this memorized, never ever read _Twilight_. It causes a cosmic horror to enter your body." Glaceon said deadpan.

* * *

 _Yugoth has been destroyed," reported a female technician with long red hair and a metallic visor covering her face._

* * *

"I didn't say it was an effective program," Glaceon shrugged.

"MUCH LIKE YOUR ATTEMPTS TO RESTRAIN ME." the loon ranted.

"NO TALKING SHE-WHO-MUST-TALKS-IN-ALL–CAPS," Glaceon hypocritically yelled right back.

* * *

 _The sound of a lighter being flicked closed in irritation was heard, as below the pedestal that supported the chairs of the red haired technician known as Riley and her assistant, Tally, Yamaki, the head of Hypnos, growled in frustration. It looked like once again a Wild One, was preparing to breach the barriers that stood between the real and digital worlds and he was powerless to prevent it. It looked like once more he was going to have to rely on their unofficial associates, the group of children known as the Tamers, to do the hard work of dealing with the digimon should it become a danger to its surrounding environs, which was, sadly, most often the case._

* * *

"I should note Yamaki became a lot nicer by the end of the series." Glaceon said, "Twilight Psycho, any input on this?"

"THERE IS A GRAMATICAL ERROR." Psycho (obviously) yelled.

* * *

 _Pulling out his cell phone, the blonde haired man flicked open his lighter once more as he dialed the number of the only Tamer that he could reach more immediately than any of the others, and hope that the rest were with her._

 _Yamaki's eyes went to the screen once more as the phone rang, analyzing the data as it came in. The power levels that this digimon were giving off were higher than what its perceived level was according to the scans. If this digimon turned violent, it would no doubt cause immense devastation if the Tamers couldn't handle it immediately._

 _Finally there was a click on the other end as the female Tamer known as Rika Nonaka answered. Yamaki steeled himself for the news that he was about to deliver to her._

* * *

"This Digimon can't possibly be worse than D-Reaper," Glaceon declared.

"OR ME!" Twilight Psycho declared.

* * *

 _Takato, and Jeri, walked through the streets, with Guilmon walking a short ways behind them as though he understood the need to leave these two alone while at the same time being their unofficial chaperon. Guilmon watched them with curiosity, remembering some of the things that Terriermon had told him about boys reacted around girls that they liked. In the past, Takato had lived up to Terriermon's expectations of being nervous and clumsy (and not to forget red faced), though Guilmon didn't really understand why this was so. If his partner liked Jeri in the way that Terriermon had said he did then why didn't he just tell her? It would probably make things a lot easier in the long run for him to just get it off his chest. Guilmon had only the faintest of notions of emotions like love, but if Takato's feelings for Jeri were like how Guilmon felt about bread than the reptile guessed that that was love, only without the eating part. Guilmon found it rather silly that Takato would get nervous around Jeri and as such a memory came to him concerning a conversation that he had with a familiar white digimon that closely resembled a creampuff known as Calumon._

 _"Being afraid is kind of like skating on sausages…"_

* * *

 _"_ You Tamers are still ten! Or twelve! Whatever the original dub says." Glaceon said.

"What? You're not going to laugh at Guilmon's statement?" Mechamew2 blooped.

"I'm kinda in mortal terror. And Calumon said it." Glaceon confessed.

* * *

 _Guilmon took this as perhaps the wisest thing he had ever heard in his life, and he took it to heart. The way that Calumon explained things sometimes made a lot of sense to him, probably because the way he said them was so simple._

 _With a shake of his head, Guilmon continued to follow his two friends, oblivious to the danger that was fast approaching._

* * *

"THERE IS NO DANGER GREATER THAN I." Twilight said in her screaming voice.

* * *

 _Takato and Jeri walked in silence, the latter in calm serenity while the former with an air of tension. Takato was nervous and justly so. During these many months that he had known the puppet-loving girl since his time as a Tamer began, Takato had grown a to develop a crush on her, which had ebbed and flowed as time went on, but it was always constant and strong._

* * *

"OBJECTION! That crush has been there since the beginning." Glaceon said.

"AND YOU SAY I AM LOUD." it said.

* * *

 _Once more, for what had to be the hundredth time since that time on the train after their return from the digital world, Takato thought about telling her how he felt for her. As usual though, his desire to do so was held back by the apprehension that came with such thoughts, complete with an increase in his heart rate; fear that she would say that she didn't like him in that way, as she had done so back when Guilmon first digivolved to Growlmon (even though he had been talking about an entirely different thing from what she had thought). Of course, that wouldn't happen, right? She had hugged him back when he had rescued her from D-Reaper so that had to count for something. And she had shown a lot of concern for him back during the Deva invasions…_

* * *

"At least this fic spends time to make it would like children talking rather than sexually frustrated teenagers, but the plot should kick in soon." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _C'mon Matsuki,_ _thought Takato as he tried to seize control over his emotions long enough to be able to say something coherant._ _You can do this! You can take on gigantic, city destroying, monsters but you can't tell Jeri how you feel about her?_

* * *

"C'mon author, you have to put quotation marks in these places." Glaceon mocked.

* * *

 _Takato took a deep breath, feeling his heart pause long enough for him to gather up his courage and say something, anything in order to break the silence._

 _He got about as far as "Hey Jeri" when fate once more took it in hand to interrupt him._

* * *

"Suurre, blame fate." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Guilmon halted in his stride behind Takato and Jeri, his eyes dilating as a low growl emanated from his throat as he spun around and crouched low to the ground. Takato heard this and immediately knew what this meant, as Guilmon became this way prior to a digimon's bio-emergence into the real world. Before Takato or his digivice could fully register and react to the occurrence the ground erupted as a digimon tore through the barriers relentlessly, causing Jeri to scream, startled by its suddenness_

* * *

"And this is where the plot starts." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _As a digital field began to settle over the area, Takato found himself holding onto Jeri in a hug, protecting her with his body in preparation for whatever might be waiting in the mists, but his brain, now surging with adrenaline, only barely registered this fact and he quickly removed himself, his hands reaching for his D-Arc and cards. The air had a feeling of tension to it, and a strange silence permeated the air. He didn't know how he knew this, but Takato felt certain that whatever digimon was held within the depths of the digital field, it was powerful._

* * *

"What could it be?" Glaceon asked rhetorically.

* * *

" _Takato?" Jeri whispered, nervousness clear in her voice. Takato turned to her, his crimson eyes becoming hard as he steeled himself for the battle that was ahead._

 _"Jeri! Get the others as quickly as you can!"_

* * *

"'Steeled?'" Glaceon reiterated.

* * *

 _The girl nodded in understanding and quickly took off, throwing one last look over her shoulder before she departed the digital field and headed in the direction of Guilmon's old home, hoping that the other Tamers at least knew by now that there was trouble…_

* * *

 _Takato had stepped up to Guilmon's side as soon as Jeri had left and after he had pulled his goggles down over his eyes the pair began to move carefully into the digital field, keeping a sharp eye out for whatever digimon it was that had entered into the real world. It didn't take them long to find it._

 _Takato was actually surprised, and at first almost comforted by it by its appearance, but experience had taught him enough to remember to be on his guard around wild digimon, no matter what they looked like. The digimon appeared to be a child perhaps no older than Takato himself. He had a round face, thick golden hair, and piercing blue eyes that held a commanding presence to them. Twelve angelic wings, eight emerging from his back, two from his hair, and two more from his robe garbed waist, held him aloft as he surveyed his surroundings as though he were lord of all that he surveyed. Golden bracelets and anklets adorned his wrists and ankles, and on his left hand was imprinted a symbol that Takato was all too familiar with. The Digital Hazard._

* * *

"And basic theological knowledge would tell you this guy is Digimon Satan." Glaceon ranted, "Look at him! Wings. Superiority complex. That's not good."

* * *

 _Takato raised his D-Arc and scanned the digimon, but only got as far as its name before its voice, cold, commanding, and hard like stone caught his attention. Takato found himself trapped in the boy's gaze._

* * *

"I'm sure the subtext wasn't intended." Glaceon shrugged.

"I AM SUBTEXT INCARNATE!" Twilight Psycho screamed.

"Shut up."

* * *

"I am Lucemon," said the angelic child. "I have searched long and traveled far, looking for the spore of the Great Dragon. I have found its trail to lead to this world and now I…"

The digimon that had identified itself as _Lucemon_ finally noticed the red dinosaur that stood next to Takato, and the hazard sign that was emblazoned on its chest. Lucemon's eyes widened in fury and he slowly began to raise his hands upwards.

* * *

"HE IS SATAN. RUNNNNN YOU FOOL." Glaceon yelled.

* * *

 _"Boy," said Lucemon, speaking to Takato. "You are standing next to a virus digimon, who may very well be the Great Dragon that I was searching for. If you do not wish to be hurt, I suggest that you leave this area immediately."_

 _Takato blinked while Guilmon fixed Lucemon with a questioning stare._

 _"Wha…? Who? Guilmon? But why would you want to hurt him? He's my friend."_

 _Lucemon's eyes narrowed as his body began to glow._

 _"So be it. **Grand Cross!"**_

* * *

"HE IS THE DIGIDEVIL! SCATTER, FLEE, RUN! DON'T TRY TO REASON WITH IT!" Glaceon screamed.

"And I thought I was loud." Twilight Nutcase said.

* * *

 _Henry, Rika, and the others ran through the parks path after they had gotten Yamaki's message. Renamon shadow shifting next to them, keeping pace as they went while above them Guardromon covered the air. Led by the signal that their digivices were receiving. It didn't take them long before they met up with Jeri, who was just arriving at the edge of the park._

 _"Rika! Henry! There's…"_

 _"We know!" Cut off Rika quickly, her dials already tuned to the max as Jeri joined their crowd. "We're headed there now!"_

 _Jeri gave a quick nod._

 _"Takato's already…" began Jeri, but she was once more interrupted as an explosion shook the ground beneath the Tamers feet, kicking up a massive amount of dust and debris into the air that was easily visible from where the Tamers had now halted as they took in the scene._

 _Kazu turned to Jeri._

 _"You were saying?"_

* * *

"Shut up, Kazu." Glaceon mumbled.

* * *

 _Gallantmon landed heavily on the pavement, breathing harshly as he tried to gather his strength. His armor battered and rent in multiple places, and within the crimson data sphere that lay inside the armored knight, Takato winced in pain but was grateful to still be alive after that attack that Lucemon had launched at him. Both himself and Guilmon had been saved by a last minute biomerge, but unfortunately they weren't quick enough to get out of the way of the attack. They had only enough time to raise their shield and take the full brunt of the blow, which surprisingly had been strong enough to overpower them and send them flying backwards._

* * *

"Wouldn't you be more vulnerable if you biomerged considering you'd be naked?" Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Gasping for air, Takato looked through the golden eyes of Gallantmon and tried to recall what he knew about Lucemon from the card game. The only thing that he could come up with was his level and type._

 _That was a pretty strong attack for a rookie, but then he is a vaccine type. Still doesn't explain why I feel like I've been run over by a GrandLocomon though. A digimon at that low of a level shouldn't be able to do scratch me much less hurt me unless…_

* * *

"I though he saw the anime. Shouldn't he know about Lucemon? Oh wait, no one could stand to watch the Royal Knights Arc. Nevermind." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Takato's musings were interrupted as he noticed Lucemon glowing once more, preparing to attack once again and in response Gallantmon raised his lance. If that first shot was any indication Takato had to stop him from making a second attempt._

 _" **Lightning Joust!"**_

 _A bolt of lightning erupted from Gallantmon's lance, streaking towards Lucemon, who was observing the virus knight with a look of bemusement on his face. The lightning surged closer, and closer and Lucemon just hovered in the air, completely unconcerned with it, as though it were beneath his notice. Finally, at the last minute Lucemon simply moved a little to the left, the attack harmlessly passing between his wings. In his data sphere, Takato gasped in surprise._

* * *

"So Takato attempts to attack Satanmon and doesn't work. Because he's the devil. Don't try to fight the devil alone." Glaceon said.

"HEAR THAT MORTALS. YOU ARE NOTHING TO THE GREAT CULLEN FORCE. ALL SHALL BOW DOWN TO ME AND DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE AND —"

* * *

 _No way…_

 _Lucemon stared at Gallantmon with a calculating look._

 _"So," he said calmly, as though he weren't at all engaged in a battle but rather in conversation. A less then friendly conversation. "The Great Beast has merged with a human and become a Royal Knight has he? How disgusting! You offend me Gallantmon. You are something that is not meant to exist, and as long as you do you threaten everything that lives…"_

 _"Why don't we just talk about this?" Asked Gallantmon in the dual voices of Takato and Guilmon. "Why do you want to destroy us? What makes you think that we're a threat? We protect both the real world and the digital world!"_

* * *

"And here is Takato trying to reason with the devil, something no sane person can do." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Lucemon just stared at Gallantmon with a bored expression, as though he were listening to some ignorant child._

 _"Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about. The power that you unleashed while you were in the digital world, the rage… it was felt everywhere, and it was observed by all who stand high in the ranks of the mighty. Everyone knows the name of the great dragon that shook the digital world…"_

 _Lucemon paused, as though he were waiting for dramatic tension before continuing._

 _"… Megidramon." The angel finished, the name carrying on the air as though it were a death sentence. In his data sphere, Takato felt shock fill his system but he recovered quickly._

* * *

"Okay, I hate to agree with the devil, but he has a point. Takato had unleashed power that was able to rip reality apart. Does Lucemon want the power or is he off on a genocidal rampage?" Glaceon questioned.

* * *

 _"You don't understand…" began Gallantmon, but Lucemon interrupted him. He spoke flatly, his words uncaring and carrying a heavy weight to them, putting everything, all blame on the exalted knight._

 _"I don't have to."_

 _Lucemon once more glowed, and before Gallantmon could stop him, spheres appeared around Lucemon resembling the planets and sun of Earth's solar system, arranged in a cross. Spreading his arms wide quickly the cross launched at Gallantmon, leaving him once more with no time to get out of the way._

 ** _"Grand Cross!"_**

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile

* * *

 _Jeri waited at the edge of the park, her hands clenched as she waited for the others to come back with news about what was going on The others had told her to stay behind so that she wouldn't be hurt, and she had agreed, though she found herself once more wishing that she still had Leomon with her, knowing that there was nothing that she could do to rectify his situation. She just felt so useless right now…_

 _Suddenly Jeri gasped as she felt a small pain sting her heart, and suddenly she felt worried for her friends, and for one in particular._

 _Takato…_

* * *

"No comment."

* * *

 _The other Tamers finally came onto the battlefield and were stunned at the sight in front of them. Gallantmon lay on the ground, his shield, lance, and armor a shattered ruin. Data leaked out of every rent and tear in his body, but that wasn't the worst part._

 _Gallantmon wasn't moving. [No kidding]_

* * *

"Really? I did not expect someone that injured to be able to move. Did water stop being wet? Is fire not hot? Is _Disney's Descendants_ not a bad idea? Did _Spider-man: One More Day_ stop being absolutely stupid?

* * *

 _The Tamers attention was suddenly focused on the glowing form of an angelic child, looking coolly at the fallen knight, as though he had merely been doing a dirty chore._

* * *

"Um, I know I should have brought this up earlier, but where's Ryo? His Marty Stu powers should help out in some way, shape, or form." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _So lies the Great Dragon," said Lucemon calmly. "Helpless. Once I have finished with this being, and made sure that he will trouble the digital world no longer, I shall cleanse this world of all viruses [That would be a great way to extend lifespans] before returning home. And then, I shall ensure that there will finally be peace…"_

* * *

"I get you're trying to paint Lucemon as a dark messiah, but him being a jerk to virus-types makes him seem like a racist. There needs to be some dialogue to make him act holier than thou and a self-entitled monster. In canon, he believes that all life is his to rule and control. Show that." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Renamon tensed as she sensed Rika's anger seeping through the bond that they shared. Turning to the girl, Renamon saw that she was gripping her D-Arc fiercely and was already raising it to the sky, no doubt preparing to biomerge. Renamon was more than willing to go along. Looking to her right she saw Henry pull a blue card from his deck box, and at first wondered about it before realizing that MegaGargomon's power [A walking armory with enough fire power to make you bring your brown pants] and size might not be suitable in a situation like this. [All Megas are huge! What did you expect?]_

* * *

"So there is some exposition about why he shouldn't use the mega." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Lucemon was too small a target and the streets were much too narrow for the fortress Mega to afford to go all out as he normally did. If they got Lucemon away from the city than that would no doubt tell a different story but for now Sakuyamon would be the preferred Mega digimon to be involved in this fight, being of appropriate size for combat in this environment. Terriermon, as Rapidmon would run interference with his superior speed while she and Rika, with their level and type advantage went in to finish the job._

* * *

"Can't you just, you know, stomp on Lucemon. Crush him into a fine power. **_Stain the street with his data?!_** " Glaceon hissed, "Then Gallantmon truly begins to suffer from his injuries."

* * *

 _"Takato…"_

 _Takato groaned in his data sphere, feeling horribly tired. Too exhausted to really respond properly to the pain that he could feel ripping through his body. Not too exhausted however to hear Guilmon as he tried to get his attention. But… there was something wrong here. Why did everything look so…_ _dark_?

* * *

"And then it gets depressing." Glaceon exasperated.

* * *

 _Guilmon?_

 _"Takato… I'm… I'm sorry… I can't… I can't hold our Mega form… anymore._

* * *

"Translation: 'Sorry Takato, I'm dying." Glaceon sobbed, "I'm not crying. I'm not sad."

* * *

 _Takato shook his head, trying to get some strength flowing. He felt so tired, and Guilmon sounded worse off than he was. Just how bad were they hurt? What was going on right now?_

* * *

"I told you, Guilmon is dying in probably the most gut-wrenching scene in the entire story. Roll the film." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Guilmon? Are you…?_

 _"… So… sleepy…right now…sleepy… Ta…kat…o… … …"_

 _Guilmon?_

 _…_

 _Guilmon?_

 _…_

 _…_

 _Guilmon! GUILMON!_

 _And suddenly the world turned white._

* * *

"HERE THIS EEVEELUTIONS, PREPARE TO DIE. YOUR MOURNING FOR MY LITERARY INFERIOR HAS FREED ME. REST IN PIECES BECAUSE YOU ARE DEFINATELY NOT RESTING IN PEACE." Twilight Psycho declared for all the hevens to ignore.

"Shut up you brat! We're trying to mourn a death." Glaceon hissed.

* * *

 _Sakuyamon rushed towards the Lucemon, anger contorting her face as she raised her bronze staff in a wide arc, preparing to unleash her Amethyst Mandala attack. Lucemon didn't even seem to notice her or the green android known as Rapidmon as they closed in on him, too intent on powering himself for his next attack. If she could just get there in time she could stop him…_

* * *

"So Sakuyamon uses an attack that repels evil spirits, fitting for Lucemon. She later spots Takato, adding to the Rukato subtext that's thick enough to be able to cut through a block of wood with ease." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Suddenly a white light erupted from the fallen form of Gallantmon, stopping everyone in their tracks. As the light died down, Rika gasped from within her data sphere, registering Renamon's shock as well as the Royal Knights form first fragmented, and then burst apart, leaving behind a crimson data sphere that contained…_

 _"TAKATO!" Shouted Sakuyamon and she flew towards him, the data sphere tearing itself apart before dropping him unceremoniously to the ground, back to his normal self, though a little battered now. Shock registered on his features as Sakuyamon landed next to him as he reached towards the data that drifted away from him, tears starting to stream down his face in one mad rush, and he gave voice to a primal cry of anguish as he called for his partner's name. For the first time Sakuyamon noticed that there was no sign of Guilmon._

* * *

"See, Rukato subtext," Glaceon pointed out.

* * *

 ** _"GUILMON!"_**

 _Takato surged to his feet, almost stumbling as though he were experiencing some great pain. On instinct Sakuyamon grabbed him and tried to pull him back, but he just threw himself forward again. Sakuyamon held fast though, aided by the almost unnatural strength that her Mega form gave her. The others were running towards them now, intent on seeing as to whether their friend was all right._

 _And through it all was Lucemon's voice as he rose in the air, calm, serene, speaking as though he had done his duty, not caring in the least what he had just taken away._

 _"And so ends the Beast of the Hazard…"_

 _Something in Sakuyamon snapped._

 _And the day had started off so well…_

* * *

"So we're at the end of chapter three." Glaceon said, "And I've got to say, so far the fic has kept the spirit of the show, but there were a few deviations. Lucemon originated in _Digimon Frontier_ and really doesn't fit in the themes of _Tamers_. Tamers had a massive East Asian themes and based many characters off of their mythologies. The devas were made led after the Chinese Zodiac and the Digimon Sovereigns were based off of the Four Gods. The D-Reaper was a deviation from this, being based off of the Cthulu Mythos. Lucemon is based off of Middle Eastern mythologies, Satan specifically. He really doesn't strike anyone as a Lovecraftian horror. Twilight Psycho will show you what a Lovecraftian horror is in a few minutes."

 **The Death of Guilmon is just one of the arcs off _Tamers Requiem Book 1: Hazard's Sorrow_. Considering how long this thing is, I'm going to review other works then go back to this one.**


	13. The Plot to Fennekin's Chance 2

**_Glaceon the Critic_**

 ** _Presents_**

 ** _"The Plot of Fennekin's Chance 2"_**

"Hello, I'm Glaceon the Critic and I've found something that might interest you. You know _Fennekin's Chance_? The power of Keldeo's horrible cooking has given me foresight. This is what I saw." Glaceon said.

"Serena has died. Ash, Clemont, and Bonnie didn't notice at all. So the night of the Kalos League, Ash is taking a shower right before bed, but the steam forms something."

* * *

 _"Oooooohhhhhh, Ass Ketchup, I've come to haunt you." said the figure._

 _"Doctor Who are you?" Ash said._

 _"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past." she said, "I've come to warn you about impending victory."_

* * *

"So Ash, being Ash, doesn't realize the ghost is Serena or the logic deficits of the statement." Glaceon said, "So he goes on to do what he does best."

* * *

" _The winner of the Kalos League is Ash Ketchum." announced the announcer talking._

 _"Yeah! After all these years even though I'm ten in canon. WHO CARES! I'M OFFICIALLY TWENTY PERCENT COOLER!" Ash yelled._

* * *

"Due to gross misusage of a meme, he is stripped of his garments and his trainer's license and is sentenced to read _My Immortal_." Glaceon said.

* * *

" _Nooooooooooo," he yelled like Darth Vader._

* * *

"Weirdo." Glaceon said, "And Mary Sue swoops in with no foreshadowing or plot relevance."

* * *

" _I'm Mary Sue. I'm hear to rescue you." Mary Sue said._

 _"Aren't you a little short for a Mary Sue." Ash asked._

* * *

"Using the Sue Force that was totally not foreshadowed in any way, she deaged him into a ten year old. In other words, no powers were used whatsoever." Glaceon said.

* * *

" _Noooooooooooooo." he yelled yelling._

* * *

"Shut up Ash." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"I am Red! Look before the future and tremble!" Red said_.

* * *

"So he comes in with no foreshadowing."

* * *

 _STOP! The world can't stomach your coolness anymore!" Ash begged still butt naked from the mob._

 _"COolness? I am not awesome incarnate. I simply AM!" he said picking up Ash's clothes because of plot._

* * *

"En Sabah Nur — I mean Red then bequeaths the Ash's Kalos outfit to Sawyer, because reasons." Glaceon said, "Then he proceeds to pull the other outfits out of thin air and give them to Gary, May, Paul, and Trip."

* * *

" _Come forth my Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Red said._

 _"Um, there are five of us and I'm a girl." May said._

* * *

"She's not wrong." Glaceon shrugged, "One long message about how he split pestilence and conquest, he proceeds to find all the trainers of the world and separate them by gender."

* * *

"THE BOYS ARE TO READ TWILIGHT. THE GIRLS ARE TO READ MY IMMORTAL." Red yelled tellingly.

* * *

"Oh, and Fennekin does the closing credits." Glaceon said, "Due to popular request, I will do review the rest of _My Immortal_."


	14. My Immortal Part 2

**_Glaceon the Critic_**

 ** _Regrettably_**

 ** _Presents_**

 ** _"My Immortal Chapters 3-6"_**

"It was either this or Too Much H2O." Glaceon said, "Roll clips."

* * *

 _Good the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists._

* * *

"Hey!" Glaceon snapped, "Self harm is not a joke."

* * *

 _I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car_.

* * *

There was a massive game show wheel in the middle of the room.

"We're gonna play a little game called 'Wheel of Nitpicking'." Glaceon sun the wheel. Landing on OOC moments.

"I'd sooner believe Ash Ketchum would win the league than Draco owning a muggle car." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!)._

* * *

"A lot of sane people wouldn't review this for a living." Glaceon said.

* * *

" _Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice."Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car._

* * *

"How cliché of you to use the number of the beast as a license plate. I' sure people would be offended had you not written such a horrible abomination such as this." Glaceon said sarcastically, "One song I'm not allowed to use because reasons later."

* * *

" _Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing Draco looked sad."What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on."Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said."Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective._

* * *

"I still don't know how they got into the Wizarding World …"

* * *

 _Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde hair. The night went on really well, and I had a great time._

 _So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into the Forbidden Forest!_

* * *

"For a forest dangerous enough to warrant a ban, it does a horrible job. Why would you let these people live? You're a forest filled with werewolves for Pete sake! Don't you things hate vampires?!" Glaceon said, So we move on to chapter 4."

* * *

 _Chapter : I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!_

* * *

"Okay, from now on we will call Ebony Enoby. Or should I say Enooby." Glaceon chuckled.

"Booooooooo"

* * *

 _DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously."What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily."Ebony?" he asked."What?"_

* * *

"If you're going to swear every five words, you don't have much of a vocabulary." Glaceon noted.

* * *

 _I leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad then suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately._

* * *

"This would be depressing if the angst was not meaningless." Glaceon snapped, "I am not the best writer out there, but I at least give my characters something to be angsty about. Heck, one of my characters lived through a fantasy version of the Holocaust. That is angst worthy. This isn't."

Glaceon sighed once more, "After a scene far too inappropriate for me to describe, we get this gem."

* * *

 _And then ."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"It was .Dumbledore_!

* * *

"This is what I say to the writers every time the Pokémon League Conference comes around." Glaceon joked.

* * *

 _AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!_

* * *

"Who in all existace would give not one, but half a good review to this?" Glaceon questioned.

* * *

 _Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily._

 _"You ludacris fools!" he shouted._

 _I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry._

 _"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice._

 _"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall._

 _"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape._

 _And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"_

 _Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."_

* * *

"You got two people in mostly character and you get the names mixed up. Glaceon facepawed.

* * *

 _Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us._

 _"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently._

 _"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…._

 _Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room._

* * *

"You know what? This makes the love story of the _Star Wars Prequel Trilogy_ look half decent. The dialogue may be chunky, but at least _this_ didn't happen." Glaceon groaned.

* * *

 _Chapter : shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!xxxThe next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple._

* * *

"Insert generic insult here." Glaceon sighed.

* * *

 _In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top."Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko._

* * *

"Skip this chapter. There is nothing worth reading." Glaceon said.

* * *

" _I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice."That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned."My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled."Why?" I exclaimed."Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled."Well, I am a vampire." I confessed."Really?" he whimpered."Yeah." I sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him._

* * *

"Has Keldeo read this? **_HE_** thinks a fanfic about Palace Pets was a bad idea. This is literally known for its stupidity. **_It merits news articles for Pete Sakes_**." Glaceon went on.

"The dialogue is probably written by an inebriated klansman. The characters are just OCs with canon character names. Enooby is just so outlandish, it's stupid." Glaceon said, "Next time, I'm going to do the next few chapters."


	15. My Immortal Part 3

**_Glaceon the Critic_**

 ** _Regrettably_**

 ** _Presents_**

 ** _"My Immortal Chapters 7-14"_**

"So we left off at the introduction of Harry." Glaceon said, "And I will not honor the stupidity by calling him Vampire. If I did that, I would be making the Cullen family look better."

* * *

 _AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!_

* * *

"According to Tv Tropes, this abomination has been translated into several different languages. Keep in mind that this is written in texting language, not English." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!_

* * *

"Wrong! It should read..."

* * *

 _Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A LLLLLOOOOONNNNNAAAATTTTICCC_

* * *

"That's better."

* * *

 _Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door._

* * *

Glaceon moved a glass of water onto the desk.

"Here's another game. I'm going to take a shot of water for every author's note. I'll take two for if it butchers grammar. I'll take one if I have to censor NSFW content." Glaceon said, "I'm not using alcohol because I care for my liver. Starting now."

* * *

 _c is dat stupid?_

* * *

"Fornication is something I don't support." Glaceon said.

\+ 1 for NSFW censorship

\+ 2 for poorly put together author's note

Total: 3

* * *

 _when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!I was so angry._

* * *

"Should I add plot-mandated drama to the game?" Glaceon said, "Nah, I care way too much for my well being."

\+ 1 more NSFW censorship

Total: 4

* * *

 _"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed."No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much."No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out._

* * *

"AIDS isn't a joke!" Glaceon yelled.

* * *

 _Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people."VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled._

* * *

"It took Enooby thirty seconds to throw on her clothes. And more plot-mandated stupidity." Glaceon said.

* * *

 _Chapter : stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!_

* * *

\+ 2 for bad author's note

Total: 6

* * *

 _In the class peopl stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back."Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed._

* * *

"Disney Channel has less cliche dialogue." Glaceon sighed.

* * *

 _my friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )_

* * *

"What. The. Hell." Glaceon stared in awe.

* * *

 _"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him."Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at gasped._

 _I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)_

 _"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire."Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears._

* * *

"I'm not kidding. Disney Channel has better dialogue." Glaceon said, "Now we move onto chapter eight in the worst way possible."

* * *

 _Chapter : stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!_

* * *

"You know the drill." Glaceon said, "I honestly feel like Cinemasins."

\+ 2 Duh

Total: 8

* * *

 _I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!_

* * *

"I wonder who it is." Glaceon said.

* * *

He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

* * *

"Hahahahaha. This was meant to be taken seriously?" Glaceon laughed.

+1 because I can

Total: 9

* * *

 _"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away."Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream._

* * *

"In the Potterverse, doing the spell wrong would get some sort of damage. Explosion, backfiring, or partial success. You name it, they have it." Glaceon said.

* * *

I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped."Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

* * *

"You my suspension of disbelief. You see me throwing onto the ground. _**Do you see me cremating it with a flamethrower?**_ " Glaceon ranted.

* * *

 _I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?"No, Voldemort!" I shouted gave me a gun._

* * *

"Doctor Who gave you that freaking gun?" Glaceon said.

* * *

 _"No! Please!" I begged._

 _"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"_

* * *

"So William Shakespeare leaves with no one noticing. Why Enooby didn't just shoot him is a question for the ages. Bond villian stupidity is in full effect."

* * *

 _"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face._

 _"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick._

* * *

"Okay Tara, I can see you're definitely trolling because if this was written while intoxicated, it would have made more sense."

* * *

 _I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods."Draco!" I said. "Hi!"_

 _"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way."Are you okay?" I asked._

 _"No." he answered."I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled."That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out._

* * *

"I feel like this is a poorly disguised attempt at making me confess my sins."

* * *

 _Chapter 10: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!_

* * *

"Um, does anyone in the audience speak idiot?" Glaceon said.

+2 for obvious reasons

* * *

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

* * *

 _ **Bullcrap Overload**_

* * *

 _I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. we were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears."Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice._

 _"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into Draco jumped out from behind a wall._

* * *

"I brain hurts." Glaceon said, "How was this the most popular thing on this website?"

* * *

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

* * *

"No, I haven't ranted about self harm enough because it's not funny. It is literally the worst feeling ever. This entire scene is the most insulting piece of crap I've ever scene. In my short time as a critic, I have never scene something so full of bull." Glaceon said.

"All jokes aside, Enooby is flat and boring. She's just a stereotype that has been beaten to death. If we're going off of high school stereotypes, the preps are just judgmental assholes who enjoy judging people by their looks. But this fool didn't bother give us a reason to hate them. I've read the whole thing cover to cover, but the so called 'preps' are way more sympathetic than Enooby." Glaceon said.

"Harry was derailed as a character, nuff said." Glaceon said.

"Draco is nowhere near his canon counterpart." Glaceon said, "This piece of crap - troll or not - doesn't deserve a full review."


End file.
